Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Taming Some Fears

Wow! Incredible! My daughter and I went hiking to these gorgeous waterfalls on last Saturday night. It was a fun hike. I don't know why, I just don't do enough fun nature stuff with her...I let my sadness for living in this place keep me a little stuck sometimes and also my sadness in not liking who I am right now...until I move right along. So we went hiking. I've been there before. I'm so not too keen on my birth state of Wisconsin. Oh well. I like what I like.

We hiked. They had changed Willow River State Park around a bit, so I had to get my bearings to figure out how to get to the waterfalls again. We hiked down a steep hill. We saw some new things for Bella and a few critters. Never mind that we have a creek right in back of our house, it was great to get out in real nature, right into the woods. Wow again. I absolutely adore nature once I do all the work to get there. I have only to stop making excuses. Then I can get there faster.

I used to do a lot more physical activity. I loved exploring nature, training for events. I feel so good in the middle of a forest or when I remember hiking in Glacier Park and seeing baby bears 10 feet away.

When we approached the waterfalls, there were gobs of people climbing up and down the shallow parts and also across the water. My daughter is part fearless and part careful from me telling her not to run at the pool so she wouldn't fall and get a TBI (traumatic brain injury - yes, I worked for a brain trauma neurosurgeon for 2 years!). She begged for a few minutes and we made our way over for her to get in the water. I thought I would simply take pictures of her. Soon enough, I took my shoes and socks off too. The rocks weren't slippery with the shallow amounts of fast-moving, slightly cold water flowing over them. I climbed up and up again. I was amazed at myself. This allowed me to remember much of the beautiful things I'd done. Jumping off a cliff in Negril. A rock climbing and sea kayaking weekend on the North Shore at age 28. Ah, life.

I love how once you've done something you never lose it. I haven't felt around for the perfect reach and holds for my hands and feet to keep hoisting myself upward for years. It came easily that day.

And then I decided we would make our way across the waterfalls to the other side rather than climb down backwards. I held my daughter's hand and sidled across ever so slowly. I was more the cautious turtle. Fear moved through me. I could feel myself shaking. Even moreso, I felt an invigorating energy. I felt an energy and thoughts inside wondering why I don't just do what it is I want to do.

We made our way to the other side, got our shoes on again and climbed all the way up and then down. That was another feat. It was about a 20 food vertical drop. It wasn't directly straight down, but fairly close. When we finally headed back on the hiking trail, it was becoming dark. It was fun to field her questions about the background noise of frogs croaking. Funny how I rarely am afraid in a situation like that where I am walking back in the near dark but daily life occasionally halts me briefly.

I was so grateful we went that night, and that I didn't let my fears take over. It's time to keep at it and keep at this fun life I'm living and keep creating more of a beautiful life!

Monday, August 2, 2010

A Little Bit

I am a little bit fixed.
My teeth are whole again
No longer oozing
With the failure of the world, my world.
So much of me still is
Screaming out in pain
Needing repair.

My ego is sad,
Not my heart or my spirit ~
For they wait patiently
Until I step back into my journey
Boldly, or even dare to
Step back into it,
To begin fixing more

Why am I so broken?
Why do I see myself as broken?
Is it the place, the space I am?
Boldly I say, I state:
I am no longer a victim
For I choose To live again!
I want to say yes to
My health
More travel
A new career with a better future

I will get there step by step
I have already started my journey
back to my self.

A.Santana/M. Reede

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Leaving My Expectations Behind

This afternoon I took my six year old daughter to see Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. She was estatic to see it. I was not. I love to see movies with her most of the time, but before I saw this one, I could have taken it or left it. It turned out to be pretty darn cute. No tears for this one, but a nice cast of characters, a nice plot and lots of cute things the characters did to win you over. Plus, it's immensely fun to see movies with my daughter! She changed seats to the other side of me in the middle so she could "cuddle" with me. Yes, I'm blessed.

It makes me think of simply allowing yourself to do more. You may not be too thrilled about something, but give it a go and much of the time, you like the results.

I did this last night too. Chuckle chuckle. My friend is getting her masters in public health. She has long been an overachiever - and a delightful one to know!! She took on making a documentary about women and masturbation. We were individually "interviewed" on camera. It was such easy work. YOu were in, you were out. It was fun! I've long loved attention anyways. One of my main points was for my daughter to know it's okay to enjoy herself in the things she chooses to do, unlike the sad, repressed way I grew up.

I brought a new woman friend I just met at a "Wild Women Gathering" only a couple weeks ago. When I met her, she made me laugh out loud. She was so frank and candid. I love women like that! So I brought her to the "m" party. At first it was kind of quiet. I was reminded how, even though I'm quite social and talkative, when I first get to a party, I wish everyone would be swarming to talk to me and make me tell all my interestg and true stories. My friend and I found seats in a second room. We would slink back into the main room to load up our plates with tasty treats a few times and visit for a few minutes with the other women. A few came over and talked to us. My friend had plans of going to see a band afterwards and she was starting to be hell bent that we needed to leave. My allegiences were more to my friend and helping her out. There were quite a few of us, and it took time to film us.

We had so much fun right before we left talking to these other women. There is nothing better than sharing laughter with others. Then my friend and I fled. We were too late to see the band for more than an hour, so it wasn't worth going in. I wasn't excited about seeing a band perform 70s music (just not too excited about reliving that era where my mom made me wear ugly brown clothes day in and day out), but I was up for going out. I had dropped my daughter off at a sleepover. Instead, we ended up going to a fun couple of small bars on a main street of all town.

The funny thing was, my friend kept apologizing we weren't having more fun. I kind of stopped having expectations some time back. Okay, about some things. These days I'm just excited to get out with another fun soul. I hate to be honest, but I live in the middle of nowhere, am not super prosperous right now, and take care of my daughter almost all the time. Yes, you can bet I make the best of when I do get out with others.

What fun times! Nice, fun times without any expectations set up. I am happy to be changing into enjoying moments more instead of lamenting about what I no longer am living or what I plain just don't have that I'd love to have in my life. For now, I graciously accept the small joys!