Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Am I Supposed To Let Go More?

My daughter just turned eight on October 29. Yep, she's a pumpkin. I'm always feeling blessed to have her. (Especially as the years keep going by and I haven't yet met someone new to marry and have a family with ~ so I'm workng oncreating a succulent life again!)

It used to be that I would get so emotional her birthday month. It was very traumatic for me when I had my daughter. In being reminded of her coming into this world, my world, I would remember back to the sadness of that time. That her dad chose his drugs over wonderful us.

I'm so happy it's eight years later! Eight years to heal, to make more mistakes to heal from. To start realizing I've got to live my own dreams. Many, many lessons to be blessed with.

I might not be fully healed. I've gone through other minor traumas of my spirit, my being. And that's okay. I no longer feel I have to be so conscious about pulling myself up with positiveness and actions. It's happening by itself now. Thank goodness, another blessing.

I am immensely grateful for my LOA coaching group. In our weekly calls, interactions, implementing, and processing what I'm being reminded my spirit knows, I am choosing to release a lot. To move quickly through turbulent emotional moments. I'd like to relase those, too! ;) Hemal Radia teaches us when something hurts to do things that make you feel better to allow a higher vibration.

So, alas, my daughter again received a crappy birthday present from her absentee dad. Late, too. Seeing the crap he gave her without even a card, I am reminded why I left him. I am reminded, slapped in the face to let go again. What an onion of letting go of the king of toxicity! When will I learn to release any expectataions, any hopes of him being what I want? I need to realize he's no longer in our lives for many reasons.

Part of my expectations are mine alone. They stem from childhood and adult disappointment from my own parents and family for birthdays and holiday gifts. For speaking my truth and not being acknowledged on my special days. As I keep getting older, amidst the seemingly millions of things I am working on internally, I truly am learning to let go of my expectations of others.

What I'll be pondering is how much do I fully let go and how much do I speak my truth? Do I visibly release him even more from our lives? At times like this I am strengthened by my good choices I've made for me in no longer allowing him in our lives. Or allowing him to have a strong emotional pull. He must have a bit of a pull if I am reacting so strongly, even if it only strong disappointment. What the hater or the comedienne in me would absolutely love to do is tape the package back up "return to sender". The note I would put inside would allude to me asking him to give her a gift card and to take these low quality/too small things back so he can buy a rock. I won't. Maybe in the morning, I will write it out and burn it with my other daily morning wishes to bring in.

I am strengthened by myself. By the good, strong choices I have made regarding her father. More and more of me these days is stepping into a better life and allowing that which I no longer need to fall by the wayside. And I must smilingly say I did pretty good this year on my own for her birthday presents. More than that, I am doing great building a beautiful life with the resources I do have for my daughter. Yes, my daughter. Happy birthday, shining light!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Releasing For More

I must confess I feel encumbered by my clutter. Goodness, it's not like I even have all that much, yet I still let it "box me in". My daughter and I are blessed to rent out a pretty good 1000 square foot "apartment" in my parent's basement. Yes, I pay them and yes, it's in a basement. Thank goodness we have a full kitchen (minus the extravagent counter/cabinet space) and a huge bathtub (we don't use the jacuzzi). Yes, the plan is to move out soon. I'd rather keep saving/readying myself to move back to the ocean after Bella's current school year finishes, however it may only be nearby so she can go to school here for a few more years. Gosh, who knows, we may even end up staying here for her to finish high school here.

That thought scares me. I am finding we are at the mercy of the core beliefs we develop during our growing up and our situations after that. Or lack of courage, in my case, to go out and live the life I never knew was waiting for me (aka the ocean ~ I've lived in Key West and Miami Beach). Another thing I'm learning about myself: I let the fear keep me in an unhappy place.

That is exactly why I declutter, along with advocating it. I have done it before. I love how decluttering is a not-so-simple physical thing you do yet it reaches into many parts of your life. For us, we can physically release items so we will have to pack less up and move less. I have an expansive belief that whatever I need or desire will come to me, especially the things I surround myself with for daily living. Every time I move and begin setting myself up again, what I need comes to me.

I have an underlying (perhaps core?) desire to live by the ocean again. A few years ago, I released many things I had brought back with me from leaving my abusive ex-husband. I was blessed to release everything. My then-friend Gypsy from Big Pine Key and I had an idea about going into owning a pizza delivery place together. On the heels of her husband's death and refinancing the house left to her, she bought into the pizza place herself. Meanwhile, what I manifested through big releasing at that time was the courage to find a better job within a week that paid a fabulous amount of money. So I stayed at that new job for 6 months, and then I moved. She is no longer a friend and I can see her addictions as everything she tries turns into a puddle of nothing.

What I directly observe in my life is when I release the clutter it releases fear and stuckness, and translates to gaining momentum, belief in myself, and courage. Hooray!

On a Friday about a week ago I put my Ivers & Pond baby grand piano up for sale on Craigslist. It's funny to me that I hadn't even thought to take pictures of the keys. Some great women I work with suggested this. I posted several pictures of the piano. I posted specific details about the condition of the piano, along with its serial number. And I asked on the low end of what I found in researching its value. I had one person interested late Tuesday night. Wednesday night his brother came to view it, as he was out of town on work. By Thursday night, they had put my asking price into my Paypal account. Friday afternoon it was moved out of my house by professional piano movers.

I was amazed. Long a believer, I have also begun working with law of attracting coaching within the last few months. I listen to weekly coaching calls from Hemal Radia and have an extremely enjoyable time interacting with our private facebook group about all the things we are growing through and learning from right now as we transform our lives. During this process of selling my piano, I did something different. I held faith for myself that the good things would actually happen. I am well versed at creating things but then allowing them to disappear just as quickly. I am finding it is a matter of holding faith, being calm, and all-over simply choosing to now believe in yourself during all of what is happening. It worked!

I am amazed also at the relief I felt in having the piano physically gone. Yes, it's awesome to have the extra bit of money to consciously spend and enjoy. For me, it reaches farther. When I purchased this piano, it was on a whim because I felt it was hardly any money. And then on a Monday morning about a year and a half ago I walked into my five month old job working for a female neurosurgeon and was fired. That same week I spent more money to move the new piano into my home. Now that sadness can begone. The bigger life belief for me is that I manifested what symbolized a dream (it is on a treasure map I did in 2006). It wasn't exactly what I wanted (shiny and beautiful and I loved to play it), but then again living in my parents basement both of us helping each other out hasn't been ideal either. I feel no more sadness.

I trust because that piano came into my life easily, another one that I love more will come when it is meant to. For now, other things are coming into our lives. Decluttering. Working and earning money again. Being more conscious about what I do spend my time on. ...and then there's all that I desire and am working towards. Sigh. Happy times are here!

I know you haven't heard much from me lately. I want to thank you and other helpful people in my life. Physical nearby friends these days are few, so I'm grateful to surround myself with reading fabulous minimalist blogs Joshua and Ryan, Courtney, Leo Babauta and a handful from people who are choosing to travel the world for years Wandering Earl, Ayngelina, The Mad Traveler, awesome pictures, and also ones ones focusing on living more succulently like Benny and A Big Creative Yes.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Life Is Getting Good Again!

Ah. I am so happy life is getting good again! It's not that I am even doing that much differently yet I am having a better attitude each day.

I started working again. Yes, it is only a temporary office job as an administrative assistant. It is super easy, yet the perfect thing for me to ease back into working life again. Yes, I was spoiled having a year off of working :) What a blessing. I adore the times when I have taken time off work. Time well spent on the internal and, this time, with my daughter.

The only negative thing I happily shake off is not feeling the best. I'm still dealing with sore hands and bones/muscles that ache or hurt. Honestly, I know what to do (stop drinking coca cola!) yet I haven't fully wanted to give it up. I'm managing.

I am simply so dearly grateful for my attitude changing and feeling better all around. All I needed to do was get out. To just do something. Even to do it badly. It's not that I'm doing it badly. The job I attracted to me is the perfect one for me at this time. I have spiritual practices I used to do that I see now truly helped me. You do something that's good for your body, your spirit and you don't necessarily see it at the time. That's me. With all this time I had to reflect on life, I certainly took in what worked and what I wasn't or am not currently doing.

When I get up these mornings before dashing off to my short commute to work my easy job, I am immensely helped when I do the morning pages, some leg exercises, eat some healthy oatmeal or scrambled eggs and take my vitamins. For now, I am grateful for doing these things for myself. I am grateful I am already at the point where I can manage getting off to work in the morning, being at work all day and keeping a great attitude about it, and then coming home to spend time with my lovely Bella (my daughter). We either have take out (yes, on the lazy days!) or make dinner and then have gotten into the great habit of taking puggi for a walki. :) I don't think about how bored I am where we live right now. I am grateful to get out and make myself exercise, along with the little dog. I've come to need the walking already. I love that.

I love doing good things for myself and then, in turn, needing to continue them. I have also continued to read positive things by the writers/bloggers I follow. I'm cutting down on my "television" watching and not as tied to the computer lately. I need to get back to writing. I need to, yet I am also gentle on myself. I do what I can to boost myself up so I continue getting to a space where I love life again. I know I will, I have so many times enjoyed life already. For now, I'm grateful for all the wonderful moments right now. Even if they are only moments, they are all welcome.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I Realized Lately...

I'm not making any excuses for who I am today...I am a work in progress and live the life I'm living right now in gratitude. YET I adored the succulent traveller and liver of life I used to be. This isn't about getting into what might or might not have happened to walk me down this path or how I've slowly been picking myself up (...happily!!).

I am amazed! I have been following with my succulence appetite a few blogs, getting to know the writers through their truth in words and photographs. People such as Joel Runyon. Through him, through my now being on twitter, through the magical powers of the universe, I have found many kindreds. Sure, some of them are in their 20s. Who cares! I did that stuff in my 20s and am excited to do more things in my 40s!

It helped me to remember something. I remembered who I was. I was myself and I went out and lived, not necessarily listening to all the naysayers in the world. Family of origin, those who are scared they'll combust instantaneously unless they stick to their rigid paths. Wow! I can hardly believe I've careened back into living a bit of this way, of allowing these beliefs to invade my happiness, my being.

I read about people who give up what I call day jobs to pursue a heart-filled life of travel. The unknown. I have told people since running far away from my abusive ex and into the unknown (I'm still there!) I prefer to travel in a foreign country where I don't even know the language, where I can decide to go to Belfast for a few days because there's a cease-fire, show up at the bus station in Dublin and wait around until it comes. Armed only with my pen, journals and books. And a knack for talking to the world. I get giddy thinking about all the travelling experiences I was blessed to live. Give me the unknowns of all you experience during travels and I'll take it!

A part of my heart connects with these people who seek also to travel for the sheer love of it. People would always ask me why I was going to Europe or Belize or Negril. Why not? Perhaps that will be my new motto in life - why not?

We all have to keep each other motivated, alive, a little more juicy in this game of life! There's another adventure just around the corner!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Releasing Into More Wonderful!

I had an incredible releasing experience last night. Actually, for the past several months I have been blessed to be in good energy. Astrologically, friend-wise, surrounded by positive facebook influences, it's-now-spring-after-a-long-dreary-Minnesota-winter. All of the above.

For different reasons, I have been sitting home for the last year. I don't like my home, yet I am incredibly appreciative to have a place to live. I know it's time to bring a new living experience into our lives (it's just my daughter and I together). I have experienced/felt/seen my health deteriorate over the winter. Perhaps I manifest that because I simply rebel or resist living in Minnesota with family and winters. I am no longer constantly reflecting how blessed I was to live in South Florida.

So now my story is I've chosen to stay home, to not look for a job after getting fired. Regardless of the money I have been blessed to have in the interim, I love how every spring/summer I'm ready to jump into life again! I am even more grateful for all that is good and beautiful in my life.

I love how even when I've lived through experiences that weren't about living life to the fullest, in time I reflect back and the lessons are glaringly clear to me. Living with a mother (separate living space but the same house) who does not love herself and therefore cannot love others for who they are, I have gained many insights more speedily by living with her. And yes, I am ever grateful when I propel myself to move out, to move into a life I again can love.

I was at a dear friend's new apartment last night. It was a housewarming/house blessing/fire ritual. I have been reflecting on what beliefs to release into the fire. Funny that I didn't "hear" we could write about what we wanted to release OR bring in. I am all about releasing everything that no longer works. I've been unhappy, of course blaming it on winter. I can only blame it on my inactivity and my need to sit for a time.

We had an outdoor fire and read aloud if we wanted to. I simply said I released all that no longer served me. I burned my paper with the words expressing a lot of what hasn't been working for perhaps all my life. I had found a blank notebook paper and picked it up. Intentionally, I collectively invited the new energies in, saying I welcomed the next part of my story, our stories. This is big. It is not big to release since I love releasing physically and in journaling. It is big to invite whatever comes next without needing to know exactly what it is. Oh, my heart certainly holds many intentions for my every day.

This is what I invite in, for myself and for all of us.

~ Success in whatever is inside our hearts, whatever creative dreams we are meant
to be living
~ Happiness with ourselves, our bodies, our lives, our moments, and whoever we share
our lives with
~ To be healthy, fit, exuberantly alive, loving the body we are in so we can be of
service, doing all that passionately lives inside of us!
~ Success beyond our wildest imagination! This means the instantaneous releasing of
all fears that have kept us back. I'm ready! We are all ready and worth it!

Have a fantastic life doing all that you live!

Monday, May 23, 2011

In Love With Miami

A friend of mine, a fellow succulent, asked my opinion of Miami. I'm taken by surprise. Not at all because I am asked my opinion. It has been part of my life since 2002. Each day I think about my treasured memories from experiences, places, and wonderful people from the city in the sun.

For me, one reason I loved Miami is because I have travelled to 20 countries so far in my life. (All before the vivacious age of 31!) I adore the swirling cultural mix of so many peoples. I adore it, and also it frustrated me at times, too. I suppose the things you love you also hate at times. Or you dislike them when you are first exposed to fresh habits and ways others living more feistily do things. They grow on you. No matter what is happening in my life, I love that I always surround myself with endearing people. People who would do anything for you. People who's mannerisms you treasure with your heart.

I still haven't learned Spanish. I remember our block where we had a small studio apartment seven blocks from the ocean. It was close to an expansive public park in Miami Beach. Some of my neighbors in the building next to me spoke no English. Yes, that in itself is endearing to me now that I am so far away from it: how can one live in an English-speaking country for 20, 30 years and not assimilate into the culture enough to learn the language fluently. There is no need to. Our "abuela" was cuban. My daughter's father was cuban and most of the other cubans we met could clearly see she was cuban. Most everyone adores her even looking at pictures of her, and even moreso when they meet her. She, like me, leaves an impression on the heart. Little Isabella would translate between the neighbors and myself. Isabela went to Lincoln-Marti and then Happy Kids schools, with an abundance of Spanish-speaking teachers.

Ah, the men! I could go on about how sexy these latin men are to me. I could! Even the Cubans after being treated horribly by my ex-husband. Yes, I'm still attracted to the sexy Cubans. However, my friend is not gay so no need to go into details. :) I must sidenotedly say before I moved to south Florida, the majority of the men I dated had been from foreign countries. They simply intrigue me. Still do.

I would say Miami is not for the faint at heart! I absolutely loved careening around in my car on the 836 and the Palmetto going 90 or 95. Yes, my old 1999 Blazer could still do that! That style of driving is certainly not for many. I'm a person in control of my faculties. Aware. And so I simply loved the wild driving down there. I always warned people going down to be careful. Or not to get upset in their taxi rides. The cities down there are so vastly spread out because of the enormous population. It simply takes forever to get anywhere. We lived near Ocean Drive on the beach. If I wanted to "save some money" at Walmart, I would have to haul ass for 20 minutes going 80 or 85. I didn't do it very much because service was increasingly more and more frustrating. All the factors in my life down there didn't much allow tolerance for those providing poor or low quality customer service. I am certain with the continuously dwindling economy, it hasn't been encouraged to get much better.

Like any city, there is much to see in Miami. Many festivals and special occasions remarkable to the city and surrounding cities. Organized by local cities, so many activities are free. On a Sunday night beach walk, Isabella and I happened upon a parade march of drums and percussions. It was a celebration of a country's independence day. It was fun to join in and shake it! Music, culture, art, vibrant colors and personalities ~ it's all there for the taking!

Like anywhere today, it is a challenge to meet fabulous people. I honestly can admit I have high expectations for myself and for those I choose to include in my life. I adored the friends I made from my work. They were from an array of Latin American and caribbean countries, sprinkled with a few Americans even a small dosage of Midwesterners like myself.

I have only touched on life in Miami. I'm grateful for this chance to write about it a bit, for I think about how great life was down there almost daily. If there's anything you'd like to know, please let me know in the notes.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I Am Grateful

I am grateful for big and small things. I trust life is meant to be what it is right now. At the same time, I am grateful for all the motivation I surround myself with these days. Thank you friends, fantastic authors, motivational everyones! I trust if I keep filling myself with positive thoughts life will keep getting better and better. I allow myself to learn the lessons I need to learn, am meant to learn. I now move more quickly through things that are not so fun, along with striding forward even when fear is lurking about.

I am grateful I am creative and seem to have an everflowing basket of ideas/projects to work on. I love all the experiences I have lived, even the hard ones. All that I've lived and dreamed, pulled into a more solid and seeable form, can help others. I am grateful when I take the time to work on being creative, whether its through writing, art, craft projects with my daughter, even rearranging my peaceful home.

I am grateful when I let myself do the creative work, the spiritual work, the quiet work. Over this winter, it's been easier for me to numb myself with food, get caught up in tv plots, housework, and just the plain "shoulds". Now I walk into me time. Yes, I'm still a mom. Yes, I have a home to keep up. Yes, I have a life to get into order after a drought. Yet I'm declaring as spring springs forth so do I, all parts of me!

Thanks for being part of my life by reading this blog! I am grateful for you!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Being Where I Am...With My Puggi

I have a little pug puppy. I like to say I "rescued" him because he came from a pet shop. He was there until he was almost five months old. How sad. Bella wanted a little chihuahua or small dog, and I just couldn't say no to this one. He was already nearly full grown. He's been such a good little guy.

I love the moments when he's sort of growing into himself, when he's a good dog who knows what to do. ...that means going potty where he's supposed to without accidents. I really am blessed. I look into his face. He's adorable. He's love. I know because I have a dog I have a lot of love to give, too. I shower my love onto my daughter, my puggi and my lovebird these days.

I think he kind of has a little old man face, too. He loves playing and he also loves napping with me. I loves me a dog who sleeps in the bed with you like a human...yes, Cesar Milan wouldn't be proud of me. Bella and I love our little Mr. Snorzalots!

I see how much I truly appreciate him and feel blessed we brought him home and have kept him so far. Sad to admit it like that. It makes me reflect on when Bella and I were by ourselves down in Miami Beach for a couple years (2007-2009). Loved it there! We tried to have a couple dogs there. I bought a purebread American Bulldog that we named Stellaluna (after the children's book about the fruit bat). We only kept her six months. It's a lot of work to have a puppy!! I could say I didn't have time or money to do the things she needed, but truly, I just wasn't ready to have a dog again. I was still healing from my wounds and unhappiness. We gave her away to someone with a big yard who worked from home. A kind neighbor set this up, along with loving our dog, too.

Of course I wanted another dog, so we took in a dog a friend from the Keys had. Bobo was 68 pounds, scrawny, and had ear problems when we took him up to live on the beach with us. I have so many memories of Bobo. His name was Zorro, but we quickly renamed him. He loved walking with us, was afraid of the water but surfed a little during Tropical Storm Fay in 2008, and just loved us. His medical problems from previous bad owners got to be too much for me. I gave him up to a shelter, I'm very sad to say. More bad advice from my parents I regretted from the bottom of my heart. It's sad when you look back and see all you've lived through. When you take time to reflect on what happened later on because of choices you made or perhaps had to make earlier. I still miss him, just as I miss the dog I had for 18 months when I was pregnant with Bella and with my abusive ex. Truly and honestly, every dog has to fill Little Guy's shoes. And none has.

I love my little pug. He's almost a year old. Ironically, his birthday is the day I met Bella's dad walking down Duval Street in Key West, May 25. He's a little lovepug we say. I am open to the gifts he gives us.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

What Are We So Afraid Of?

Once upon a time there was a fabulous young woman who, it seemed, wasn't afraid of anything. She jetted off to 20 or 21 countries, sometimes by herself. She jumped off cliffs into startlingly cold water. She fell in and out of love with the wrong men. During her second trip to Europe, she and her peer from college had a 'trains, planes and automobiles' kind of a journey to get to Neuschwanstein. He told her there was a rickety bridge spanning a gorge but that you could take intensely beautiful pictures from it of the castle. She took his hand and led him to the middle of the time-honored narrow bridge, all while his eyes were closed to deceive his fear of heights. Another time, she made a new woman friend over the internet. This friend was afraid of heights and yet she was painting the outside of her one story house. This girl went over and climbed right up the ladder like she was going for a run or hopping another plane and painted, getting paint in her hair and laughing with her new friend.

What happened to this fearless woman? Yes, I am still here, in the shell of my body. The big shell. It's not that who I am in my mind and what is physically present is two different things. I have transformed into a less than fabulous person in the last few years. All the while, I try to be okay with where I am. Truly, I never embrace it. Even living seven blocks away from the ocean, I was holding on for dear life with depression peeking it's head out of a packed away box and money troubles kayaking closer and closer towards me. Trying. I am very conscious about not using that word. To me it means it's never going to happen. So just keep trying.

Yes, some things happened. I did not run like hell fast enough from a couple bad relationships I had. The last one scarred me severely. But honestly, that is not who I am any more. I can say that lately I am allowing myself to be shaped by not wanting to live in Minnesota. My words say I embrace the life I am living right now. Yet the actions are not true to those words. I have crutches. Inaction and emotional eating are the favored choices.

Once again, I want to be fearless. I want to every moment be living the courageous life those close to me see. Daily I am surrounded by positive words and other brave souls who are living fully. Living fully in our messes, in the realness of what we truly are. Not perfect. I know I'm not who I want to be right now. I'm perhaps ready to start stepping across the bridge which will lead me back to who I truly am inside. That is, when I tear away all the ineffective barriers I've built up these last few years. Thank goodness for positive words, for my mental clarity, and keeping the belief alive that I am worth this fight, this long, long walk. Perhaps I've already started walking across the bridge. My intentions in my heart are clear. I want to love life again!

Thanks for reading, and thank you for following my blog! What are your fears and what are you doing to walk up to them, bop them swiftly on the nose and then keep going?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My Internal Compass

It matters not
What others see
Or think of me
A friend said she's been "in the desert"
I agree for myself
I am in a valley
Mountains on both sides
Steep climbs upwards
I thank the universe
It is a different mountain
Than after I left an abuser.
Some days time is silent
I am still me,
Yet not the me
I want to be, will be
Time can stand still
However long it needs to
I will still be here
Sifting sand to find the gold again.