Friday, April 16, 2010

Missing My Old Life

I used to be so sad, so depressed. In those times, my moments were filled with thoughts of what I had lived that I still held dear to my heart. Grand people and grand experiences make a lasting impression on my heart. This could be because I grew up not very confident in myself around the opposite sex. Yes, I believed in myself in many other areas and I grew up to be smart. It’s not the same to have inside you being comfortable with others in romantic relationships. I simply didn’t have many. And then I began picking the wrong men. Ah, for all the tender hearts out there…

In sad moments, why I think about things I already lived that I loved for so long? I love Pablo Neruda’s line loving is so short, forgetting is so long. This follows me after these wrong men already climbed into my heart and I had to eventually untangle myself from them. I never saw myself as someone who had only bad things happen, or more bad things happen in her life than good things. Still, as I’ve grown older I’ve opened up more and chosen beautiful, spontaneous adventures. They’ve made me feel truly alive. In these sad times, I’m grateful I have a few grand memories. Yet at the end of the day, the sadness still sometimes pours over.

I allow myself to reflect on the beautiful things I’ve lived which have already vanished. Life is okay. It’s not great, and it’s certainly no longer horrible. It is only my life right now. I have to keep telling myself to no longer wish for the things I miss. Right now I won’t be able to make some of the choices I might like to. I have my daughter. I also have my parents who are coming to rely on my daughter and I in small yet profound ways. It saddens me to be akin to many who settle for an unfulfilling life, where perhaps choices aren’t ours to make. There must be waves in our lives where we do things for others, not entirely living our own lives. Not that I’m losing myself in my life right now. I am starting to make the choices I can to continue the good work I’ve started, living a good life. A more authentic life. To walk more lightly on my path.

For years, I’ve been mindful it’s a good practice to be in the now, to be grateful for my right now. I practiced this in small ways. The ocean helped me heal and appreciate life more, even the things that were not so good. In my transition now, I put one foot in front of the next. I can’t make grand plans for myself, my life, my heart. I can hold my heart’s desires inside my heart and walk toward them. I hold my tender feelings gently and lovingly, breathing life into them again. Breathing life into my journey of right now.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Worn Out Friday Night

Wow, it’s Friday night. I’ve had an incredibly long week at work. I’m watching this week’s episode of Private Practice. It’s tearing me up. I think for such a long time I have been sort of in limbo. Working (sometimes not very greatly) at being able to live – to work, to all alone take care of my now six year old daughter, to keep up the place we’re able to live in at the time. And then there’s my spirit. Perhaps that’s what the tears are about. I sooooo feel I haven’t had a life, haven’t been allowed to have a life. Yes, I’ve had a life. But the expected things I do haven’t nourished my soul, my spirit. Listening to others has added to the emptiness inside me.

At this time, I’m not able to live anywhere on my own. So many parts about being a single mom are hard and a challenge every day. One positive thing that has kept me moving forward to live a better life again is that I’ve lived such a rich life. I guess at times such as these, when I watch a show about characters on tv I love, it bring out the tenderest parts of me. I am sad for all my life is not. No romance (no more cabana boy – he was just an occasional sex call now and then anyways), no thin, healthy body with a zest for life, no money to travel adventurously in unknown territories. It’s as though there is no steadiness in my life. The big emptiness inside me (sadly, I am realizing it’s perhaps been there quite a long time) has leaked out in other ways, such as mindless hours on the computer chattering with other empty souls or watching lots of shows.

I’m ready to move on. I am allowed to embrace tenderly the sad parts of me. And yet, I embrace how good life could be again. In any case, I can keep remembering if I keep doing as much as I can for myself, I will be back into loving all parts of my life soon!

Steer Me Away From Boring!

I’m a writer. I adore reading. For the first few years after getting divorced, leaving that abusive partner, and doing not too great a job of my own healing from abuse while taking care of my wonderful daughter, I used to say “I have no life!” so I would read or watch tv. I’m certain I’ve read hundreds of books in this “meantime”. Not too terribly long ago, I didn’t own a television for three whole years. Incredible to look back now. Isn’t it absolutely amazing how different your life was before having a child? My daughter’s already six. She’s half Cuban, and half boring-ass Minnesotan. I’m not at all a boring person, I just find myself occasionally surrounded by them as I settle in for some time in the Midwest again.

When I talk, I veer off in tangents. It’s amusing my email friends say I talk the same way I write…so this blog is just whatever comes up. I’m not who I want to be. Sometimes I’m alive and juicy and naughty (got a tattoo last summer in Miami Beach before moving back here) and the rest of the time, I just live. I just work at finding balance, finding energy to do everything I want to, to be juicy again!

I hope you enjoy my electronic travails. I love when I make time to journal, taking time enough to take pen to smooth paper and rediscover my interior for that day. I also hope this blog will share experiences or thoughts we share. I used to attend domestic violence support groups, at the beginning of my healing journey back to myself. As we shared our stories, often we found ourselves laughing out loud, “Were we married to the same person?” So turn it around now, because life isn’t easy, yet it’s much, much better. I’m grateful for the journey. I’m grateful for all I’ve learned. Thanks for letting me share with you my journey toward a more authentic life…please email me or comment. Most of all, live succulently starting today!