Saturday, May 22, 2010

How Do I Ride The YES Wave?

My question – how long do we take to heal? How long does it actually take besides forever?

I have so much to do. It’s a lot. Easy to avoid the creative stuff – that’s another way of staying stuck in the victim/abused mentality or energy. I totally could do this creative stuff. I could totally make things work, make my life great again by getting myself creatively out into the world! I could send in my first chapter of Losing Little Guy to The Sun. Or somewhere else. I totally could take great pictures and submit them. That would be fun for me. I would love to learn how to ride the YES wave!

How do I ride the YES wave?

How do I stay in that energy? By living simply and taking care of myself daily. By sleeping enough. When I hear a no or struggle with having energy to do something, I can work through it. To crawl towards yes. It’s so sad when we get like this. Yet every good thing is one great thing for creative us.

There are so many things I would absolutely love to do again. Like paint poems of all these sucky men I’ve met. Then maybe someday I’ll be writing real love poems again (like I used when I was infatuated with college boys). Ha – life is so funny! (Written May 18, 2010)

This Place I Am In

(Part of my journal entry from last night…) I’m inbetwixt being afraid and totally trusting. Trusting things will work out great this time and I’ll actually move toward the good life I desire. I’m generally doubtful whenever I lose a job or when things change like I have to move from Florida to Minnesota (never the other way around, ha!).

Sad things are happening on all my television shows. Sad that I’m so close to them, to these characters. They are like my friends. Okay. I need to get out more, and with my daughter.

I can’t even say or feel it’s sad I never do anything here (in Minnesota). I never expect anything else up here. I tell myself it’s going to be better this time, this time is going to be the trick, the different time. It never is. I get so easily bored. I’m sad for myself yet I have little expectations up here. I am just bland of feelings, of expecting good things up here. Is it better to have no expectations, to simply accept how lifeless things are? I used to say in Miami, “I have no life” yet I had more of one there than here. I had no life because I’m a single mom only taking care of my daughter and doing the simple things in life like working and caring for my daughter and whatever home I live in. I started saying “I have no life” after I got divorced, after forcing myself to move up here rather than try harder to make it on our own because that was too damn hard.

And it isn’t even that I’m tired. I feel lifeless. Void of feeling excitement. I feel life when I create something. Like over two months ago when I got a new writing client from Miami.

I felt so vibrant in Miami. Sort of in the Florida Keys, too, but not as much. For whatever reason, I need to live on my own. My life force gets sucked out of me when I live with others. My friend I lived with for two months last fall in the Keys did this. I have so few friends, yet I know this friend isn’t good for my spirit, and neither is my ex. Why I am so on the fence? Why am I so bored that I can’t simply close these two doors and walk away for good? I have no idea, except that I do things which do not serve me. All of my, and mostly my creative self.

Why do I not do what I desire? Like I’ve waited for so long to be a famous author (like SARK or anyone!) but I must be so internally afraid I just run the other way. I need to get back on the Marcia Wieder wagon! To say yes to life again. To map out all the steps to make every dream come true!

So what if my life is a little quieter than I’m used to or I like. So I take this time to truly focus on me, fix my body, lock in on these oh-so-precious years with my daughter! There are so many things I want to do with her.

Time to get back to me. These days I’m clearing out and organizing my space. Welcome back to me! It’s okay to stay a while in this quieter me. (Written May 21, 2010)

Saturday, May 15, 2010

When Did I Stay Stuck?

Are only bad things happening in my week? Has this been a bad week, bad month, bad year? Relentlessly, why do I find this a bad place to live? Interesting. Monday morning I lost my job. I hadn’t had it for all that long. When I started it on the solstice at the end of last year, I felt blessed. Truly, it was the only solid thing anchoring me to stay here in Minnesota. So now that anchor was hurled out into the vast ocean, which is ironically where I want to return to.

I love love love the ocean. It’s been so healing for me. Life has proven to be a challenge for me for quite some time, even before my daughter was born, October 29, 2003. I’m such an odd duck in my family. I’m a free spirit. I’ve worked hard to moor myself loose from all the crap I was splattered with growing up. I’ve learned countless lessons by diving in and afterwards realizing it would have been better to run like hell (my ex-husband). I’ve also led more than a delightful life.

It’s such a mix at times like this. Inwardly, I’m churning and have anger at my present situations. Losing this job, and even though I chose it because asked, having to live here in Minnesota dims my wattage. At times like this, I also allow myself to realize I could walk a different way. I could be positive and this could be the time I walk into my perfect life. I have to chuckle at myself. I’ve been in a funk of ugh and unhappiness for a while, even before moving back here. Yet I have sooooooo many beautiful tools to rebuild myself again. I’d been seriously working on rebuilding myself for some time now, really, since I left my ex. It was devastating with him. I’ve learned tremendous amounts about myself since then.

And yet right now in my life I can see I’ve been choosing to stay stuck. Stuck and unhappy – in my fat body, in my not knowing what to do next with my life, in trying to figure out what I can do to “get it together” or motivate myself to do the same. You name it, I’m stuck. I do feel I had more before we moved back here…but then there are solid reasons I’m back here. I had the ocean, so I’ve brought it back with me, go visit it, have pictures reminding me of it. I’ve had spirit and a fun, spontaneous life.

I am realizing it’s up to me. If I shift my negative thoughts into what the next small step is to get into living the life I want, then I know I’m going to make it. Of course life can be beautiful again. It has been for many of my pasts moments. Thank you to all who care about me. A special thank you to those who encourage and inspire me to take the time to do my creative stuff. It’s been so much easier for me to give up, to say no and just not even start. These days, I must just take that next small step. And BELIEVE! I know I’ll love life again soon!