(Part of my journal entry from last night…) I’m inbetwixt being afraid and totally trusting. Trusting things will work out great this time and I’ll actually move toward the good life I desire. I’m generally doubtful whenever I lose a job or when things change like I have to move from Florida to Minnesota (never the other way around, ha!).
Sad things are happening on all my television shows. Sad that I’m so close to them, to these characters. They are like my friends. Okay. I need to get out more, and with my daughter.
I can’t even say or feel it’s sad I never do anything here (in Minnesota). I never expect anything else up here. I tell myself it’s going to be better this time, this time is going to be the trick, the different time. It never is. I get so easily bored. I’m sad for myself yet I have little expectations up here. I am just bland of feelings, of expecting good things up here. Is it better to have no expectations, to simply accept how lifeless things are? I used to say in Miami, “I have no life” yet I had more of one there than here. I had no life because I’m a single mom only taking care of my daughter and doing the simple things in life like working and caring for my daughter and whatever home I live in. I started saying “I have no life” after I got divorced, after forcing myself to move up here rather than try harder to make it on our own because that was too damn hard.
And it isn’t even that I’m tired. I feel lifeless. Void of feeling excitement. I feel life when I create something. Like over two months ago when I got a new writing client from Miami.
I felt so vibrant in Miami. Sort of in the Florida Keys, too, but not as much. For whatever reason, I need to live on my own. My life force gets sucked out of me when I live with others. My friend I lived with for two months last fall in the Keys did this. I have so few friends, yet I know this friend isn’t good for my spirit, and neither is my ex. Why I am so on the fence? Why am I so bored that I can’t simply close these two doors and walk away for good? I have no idea, except that I do things which do not serve me. All of my, and mostly my creative self.
Why do I not do what I desire? Like I’ve waited for so long to be a famous author (like SARK or anyone!) but I must be so internally afraid I just run the other way. I need to get back on the Marcia Wieder wagon! To say yes to life again. To map out all the steps to make every dream come true!
So what if my life is a little quieter than I’m used to or I like. So I take this time to truly focus on me, fix my body, lock in on these oh-so-precious years with my daughter! There are so many things I want to do with her.
Time to get back to me. These days I’m clearing out and organizing my space. Welcome back to me! It’s okay to stay a while in this quieter me. (Written May 21, 2010)
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