Saturday, May 15, 2010

When Did I Stay Stuck?

Are only bad things happening in my week? Has this been a bad week, bad month, bad year? Relentlessly, why do I find this a bad place to live? Interesting. Monday morning I lost my job. I hadn’t had it for all that long. When I started it on the solstice at the end of last year, I felt blessed. Truly, it was the only solid thing anchoring me to stay here in Minnesota. So now that anchor was hurled out into the vast ocean, which is ironically where I want to return to.

I love love love the ocean. It’s been so healing for me. Life has proven to be a challenge for me for quite some time, even before my daughter was born, October 29, 2003. I’m such an odd duck in my family. I’m a free spirit. I’ve worked hard to moor myself loose from all the crap I was splattered with growing up. I’ve learned countless lessons by diving in and afterwards realizing it would have been better to run like hell (my ex-husband). I’ve also led more than a delightful life.

It’s such a mix at times like this. Inwardly, I’m churning and have anger at my present situations. Losing this job, and even though I chose it because asked, having to live here in Minnesota dims my wattage. At times like this, I also allow myself to realize I could walk a different way. I could be positive and this could be the time I walk into my perfect life. I have to chuckle at myself. I’ve been in a funk of ugh and unhappiness for a while, even before moving back here. Yet I have sooooooo many beautiful tools to rebuild myself again. I’d been seriously working on rebuilding myself for some time now, really, since I left my ex. It was devastating with him. I’ve learned tremendous amounts about myself since then.

And yet right now in my life I can see I’ve been choosing to stay stuck. Stuck and unhappy – in my fat body, in my not knowing what to do next with my life, in trying to figure out what I can do to “get it together” or motivate myself to do the same. You name it, I’m stuck. I do feel I had more before we moved back here…but then there are solid reasons I’m back here. I had the ocean, so I’ve brought it back with me, go visit it, have pictures reminding me of it. I’ve had spirit and a fun, spontaneous life.

I am realizing it’s up to me. If I shift my negative thoughts into what the next small step is to get into living the life I want, then I know I’m going to make it. Of course life can be beautiful again. It has been for many of my pasts moments. Thank you to all who care about me. A special thank you to those who encourage and inspire me to take the time to do my creative stuff. It’s been so much easier for me to give up, to say no and just not even start. These days, I must just take that next small step. And BELIEVE! I know I’ll love life again soon!

1 comment:

  1. you can do it, keep up the positive attitude and make it work. one day at a time and keep up with your creative work. I believe in you!

    ReplyDelete