Friday, January 6, 2012

What Has Changed In A Year?

I've been reading some fabulous year-end reviews like Benny's. I started mine. Yes, I actually started it. And I'll finish it soon and post it.

Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday!! Wow. I'm incredibly grateful that I've had what seems like a complete infusion of living positively (again). Yay! Just before I put my daughter to bed tonight, we shouted out into the darkness of night this horrible birthday song:

Happy Birthday, ugh (big grunt!)
Happy Birthday, ugh (another big grunt)
Misery and despair
People dying everywhere
Happy Birthday, ugh.

What is sad is that for the past few years I have not at all been excited about my birthday. To me, it symbolized that I've been living a sucky life and, introspectively, what I haven't done. All that's been in my heart.

All those wonderful things I want to do are still in my heart. And I hope to do at the very least 1- 2 of them in this next year.

For whatever reason, I've had a shift inside. I've been more consciously working on releasing all these crap beliefs I'm holding inside me for how life needs to look and act and feel like. No thanks! There are so many ways that have never served me that have attached themselves to me somewhere along the way. One gift to growing older is realizing it's okay to shuck the shitty things you collected along the way. Perhaps I could rename this post Shuck the Shit. Ha! Big laughs!

It feels great to say to myself, you know it's soooo okay to believe you deserve good things and to be happy again. What an amazing concept for me. This year I am saying goodbye to feeling badly emotionally and physically. I am saying goodbye to any niggling remainders of being a victim. I honor my past. I am grateful for all these lessons I lived through. And even happier I'm on the other side of the dark space. I never do well in these dark spaces of my life. And yet when I'm in them, I know and trust they will pass. Eventually.

The reason I had Bella and I sadly sing that sadder song into the dark night is because I didn't even want it in my living space. I work hard to create a living space that's soothing and makes me feel good. (Note to self: need to work harder on that by painting my table ocean this weekend with the warm Minnesota winter!)

I am feeling great these days. I'm working in an office for now. I had a much better xmas and New Year's where I created more of what I wanted instead of having huge problems with my parents not honoring my daughter and I last year. I am so grateful I am choosing to create a better life these days, and to expect life to keep getting better and better. And it's not that things are even that fabulous, it's just my attitude is much more positive. I've been feeding it positive cereal for a while!