Calendars

Wow ~ has life been clipping along at a fabulously nice pace! I just walked by my only calendar that's hanging up. It was made by my daughter for a mother's day present at school. Since it's a "work of art" I don't feel it's a real calendar ~ the kind you keep track of your life on.

That got me to thinking: I do not have any real calendars for this year to keep track of my life on. Not even one calendar to write important dates on or goals I am striving toward. Yes, we did just move into a new place. In May. And I am still unpacking. Chuckle, chuckle! I took a summer intensive class that has been over for a few weeks so I've started gingerly unpacking again.

Looking at a calendar and thinking or pondering about goals and what I want to truly be doing as opposed to what I'm allowing to take up my moments is a great time to pause. Another great time to pause, since I am one who loves to reflect deeply or to think about how everything is interconnected. For me, I can see since I did not consciously take time to buy a calendar I can keep track of my monthly goals and what I am choosing to live, life is going to continue zinging by faster and faster.

I've chosen to jump in more this year by getting a full time job that is pushing and stretching me while allowing me to become even more. Laughing to myself, I can honestly admit I have way too many "things" or areas of importance in life to 'be balanced about'. I have deep, passionate goals for myself. I am choosing to continue getting healthier and healthier mentally, spiritually and physically. I love that I keep choosing to live again. I love that I continue again toward the path of being who I am, and allowing it as fully as I can.

Yes, calendars are important. Yet, at the same time, it's more important what we choose to fill our moments with. Do we keep letting life pass us by or set intentions and then allow them to be fulfilled? In my deeply fulfilling work right now, I am receiving the gift of life. The gift of time and the opportunity to make a difference by bringing forth all these flowering seeds keeping time in my heart. Each and every day I count my blessings to still be alive, to still be allowed to make a difference. I am given the gift of being able to even keep a calendar and plan into the future. What beauty each day can hold ~ each day I can start fresh toward being grateful for it all and to work toward bringing my art and my creations into the world.

What comes up within you as you look at your calendar?

So Happy These Days

I am just amazed at the pace life is clipping along at these days for me. I feel immensely blessed for all these blessings.

I am having so much fun at my job each day. Amazingly learning new skills ~ now I know how to schedule cat scans and bone density tests and such. The biggest part of me adores learning new things! I love to stretch my brain. I feel grateful as I've gotten older I've become more comfortable in my skin and confident as well. I still work on shedding stuff like giving a rip what others think of me or judging myself against others. One way I could look at it: if ms. x had lived through what I lived through, how would they have handled it.

I truly am so grateful for all these lessons along this path I'm on.

Summer is just my absolutely favorite time. This isn't even about the warm weather or the beach. And it's something I am experiencing living in Minnesota ~ I adore the way the air smells after things have started growing again, just after spring when mother nature is sliding into the beginning of summer. Ahhhh. So content. That beautiful, fresh, sweet smell mixed with sunshine reminds me how good life can be. It also symbolizes the stagnant part of the year is over and now we can embrace growth and loving ourselves. Not necessarily to bring in more, although that is fun, too. Whatever we with and without intent focused on and prayed into existence is coming in.

That is the beauty in life right now. I love loving life again. I love being grateful for so many things every day. I love the hustle of getting back into the swing of living fully again. This means living in our own place again, a new job that is most days over alarmingly fast with many smiled and lots of laughter shared with patients and coworkers, just making life work again. I love that I am actually ready and already embracing it all again. Getting up, getting myself and my daughter ready, dropping her at her grandma's for free daycare, sliding into work sometimes early and sometimes just barely in time, weaving through the tapestry of the busyness of the day, a new extremely fun class that counts toward my pre-nursing classes, even going out.

It's so amazing to be on the other side. To trust it is and will keep getting better. Best of all, to be grateful for all the moments. Ahhhh, life.

Press The Easy Button

So, ahem. Hi again! And ahem again. I was having such fun today at work when this cute Hungarian boy came in. He's not really a boy, he's just 9 years younger than me and has that young, youthful look about him. Yes, he's a patient at the clinic I started working at in the beginning of April. Me and my accents...it has just been so delicious and fun to actually find men to flirt with again and talk with. What a treat. You know, the cute smile, sense of humor, tallness. :)

:) and now I am blushing, just like at work with my fun coworkers!

There was a young boy (brought with to his grandfather's appointment) who was reaching for a cup on the counter. He was perhaps four or five years old, so pretty short and little and cute. He was stretching and stretching. My coworker told him to keep stretching "just a little farther".

I immediately shouted over his way "See how there are three metal parts? Grab the one closest to you and pull it towards you. Then you can get it easy." My coworker and the cute boy almost started booing me, tell me that's how you stretch and grow taller. Hmmm. Really? I said to them and the little boy "I'm all about pressing the easy button."

Yes, I am. It's that simple.

What made me feel even better later is that the grandma said the boy has an artificial leg. And again later he got another cup in the same manner I suggested. I looked over to see that his fingers weren't fully formed.

I'm all about stretching and pushing yourself to do new things and create an even better life doing things you've never done before. At the same time, I'm lately all about savoring the moment. Enjoying your fun moments you have every day. And that sure felt good in my heart to help that boy. Perhaps it's because my hearing loss is caused by nerve damage which caused birth defects and it was from a prescription drug my mom was given by a doctor way back when. Today, with this boy and what was perhaps also nerve damange it showed me how we always find connections with others, along with ways of helping them.

Forgedduhboudit!

I don't know how to spell that and I'm not from Jersey ~ I like it all the same. It's so far away from who I am or who I grew up as. :) I love reading it in books, like Janet Evanovich's books perhaps?

I was washing dishes. Sigh. Let me say that I have to wash the dishes to clear out the sink to put the pinesol/degreaser/water mix in a bucket and then mop the floors. This meditate handwashing of dishes got me to thinking about this weekend. It's "Easter" weekendfor those of you who celebrate it. I no longer do. I believe in something higher and I am spiritual (not religious). You know how some proudly say they are bornagains from whatever date? I became a recovered lutheran when I was 24 :) That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! (got that phrase from my fabulous Belize catamaran trip in 1999 from when the eight of us would sit around after dinner and we would all answer the same question and that was what we tacked onto the end of it! That and 'NO REGRETS!' from Bob and Herb give my heart good memories!) :)

Let me preface what I'm going to say (and hey, this is my blog so there! :)) by saying you are truly blessed if you have a wonderful mom and a great or even a good or decent relationship with her. I do not. I do have a wonderful mom. I'm appreciative of all she does for me, yet I learn so much more about what N O T to do! I'm going to be moving soon. Into our own townhouse. And starting a new job which I have a feeling will turn into another fabulous segment of my life! Seeing as how I don't "celebrate" churchy Easter (okay maybe I celebrate Eater - had a typo and thought of that!) and we have my brother and his finicky wife here for the weekend, I realized how wonderful it will be to say N O again to these family things!

That got me to thinking what else don't I like not necessarily about 'what my mom does to me' but what will I no longer have to do when my mom is no longer on this earth? Let me confess because of the animosity my mom must have for me, I have a fantasy that when she passes over is when I can start doing B I G healing from her. This allowed me to think I had to convince you I'm not planning a coup or some other tragedy. It also allowed me to think along the lines of one of my current goals with my current therapist ~ to quit blaming my parents for not learning fucking fabulous things from them or to be successful. (Yes, I'm giggling too!) They did so many wonderful things for us growing up, but I do have countless challenges, or I supposed I could say 'perspectives' to change and keep living my own life.

In connecting with another fabulous soul lately, Julie-Anne, I truly am leaping more into living and thriving rather than the wallowing you heard on this blog last year. It W I L L be wonderful and a blessing to live on my own again (obviously with my little flower and pug and lovebird). It will be a next step for again allowing myself to get back to who I am meant to be.

If I had my way, this is what I would hurry up and heal from or get over that's crappy remnants from my mom:
~ Start doing what I want to do instead of collapsing on the heap of other people's expectations. (That means this Easter weekend and feeling pressure to clean everything up when I just want to keep living my own life.)
~ Be the kind of mom who has more succulent, laughing moments and memories with my daughter rather than the shameful things that are programmed into me like keeping the house clean or doing the dishes instead of laughing with Bella.
~ Just truly L E T G O of what other people might think about me. Whose life is this anyways???!!!
~ I haven't done this in a while, but release forever the need to attract anyone into my life who has less than me where I feel I must fix them or take care of them and most especially release the need to buy someone things so they will like me. Partly this may be unconscious. Partly I get bored with myself, my own life, or just don't want to do the work on myself so it becomes an excuse. No thanks and no more.
~ The need to be any more than I am right now. Even if I weigh more than I want to, even if I make less money than I am worth, even if I am not this or not that. Even if I am not what I hear my mom trying to pound into my ears and head on what to be speaking from her hurt spirit. Right now I am a fabulous spirit! I am alive and I am loving my journey again!
~ All shame or expectations for me from my parents, my brothers, and mostly society or wierd relatives! I love that this is my journey. I love that when I allow it, I have the absolutely perfect souls connecting to me for joy and for the next lesson. I love all the joy I partake in when I listen to who I truly am. All the rest is what makes us have illness and unhappiness if we listen to it.

Wishing you the perfect life for fabulous you right now!

What Has Changed In A Year?

I've been reading some fabulous year-end reviews like Benny's. I started mine. Yes, I actually started it. And I'll finish it soon and post it.

Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday!! Wow. I'm incredibly grateful that I've had what seems like a complete infusion of living positively (again). Yay! Just before I put my daughter to bed tonight, we shouted out into the darkness of night this horrible birthday song:

Happy Birthday, ugh (big grunt!)
Happy Birthday, ugh (another big grunt)
Misery and despair
People dying everywhere
Happy Birthday, ugh.

What is sad is that for the past few years I have not at all been excited about my birthday. To me, it symbolized that I've been living a sucky life and, introspectively, what I haven't done. All that's been in my heart.

All those wonderful things I want to do are still in my heart. And I hope to do at the very least 1- 2 of them in this next year.

For whatever reason, I've had a shift inside. I've been more consciously working on releasing all these crap beliefs I'm holding inside me for how life needs to look and act and feel like. No thanks! There are so many ways that have never served me that have attached themselves to me somewhere along the way. One gift to growing older is realizing it's okay to shuck the shitty things you collected along the way. Perhaps I could rename this post Shuck the Shit. Ha! Big laughs!

It feels great to say to myself, you know it's soooo okay to believe you deserve good things and to be happy again. What an amazing concept for me. This year I am saying goodbye to feeling badly emotionally and physically. I am saying goodbye to any niggling remainders of being a victim. I honor my past. I am grateful for all these lessons I lived through. And even happier I'm on the other side of the dark space. I never do well in these dark spaces of my life. And yet when I'm in them, I know and trust they will pass. Eventually.

The reason I had Bella and I sadly sing that sadder song into the dark night is because I didn't even want it in my living space. I work hard to create a living space that's soothing and makes me feel good. (Note to self: need to work harder on that by painting my table ocean this weekend with the warm Minnesota winter!)

I am feeling great these days. I'm working in an office for now. I had a much better xmas and New Year's where I created more of what I wanted instead of having huge problems with my parents not honoring my daughter and I last year. I am so grateful I am choosing to create a better life these days, and to expect life to keep getting better and better. And it's not that things are even that fabulous, it's just my attitude is much more positive. I've been feeding it positive cereal for a while!

Am I Supposed To Let Go More?

My daughter just turned eight on October 29. Yep, she's a pumpkin. I'm always feeling blessed to have her. (Especially as the years keep going by and I haven't yet met someone new to marry and have a family with ~ so I'm workng oncreating a succulent life again!)

It used to be that I would get so emotional her birthday month. It was very traumatic for me when I had my daughter. In being reminded of her coming into this world, my world, I would remember back to the sadness of that time. That her dad chose his drugs over wonderful us.

I'm so happy it's eight years later! Eight years to heal, to make more mistakes to heal from. To start realizing I've got to live my own dreams. Many, many lessons to be blessed with.

I might not be fully healed. I've gone through other minor traumas of my spirit, my being. And that's okay. I no longer feel I have to be so conscious about pulling myself up with positiveness and actions. It's happening by itself now. Thank goodness, another blessing.

I am immensely grateful for my LOA coaching group. In our weekly calls, interactions, implementing, and processing what I'm being reminded my spirit knows, I am choosing to release a lot. To move quickly through turbulent emotional moments. I'd like to relase those, too! ;) Hemal Radia teaches us when something hurts to do things that make you feel better to allow a higher vibration.

So, alas, my daughter again received a crappy birthday present from her absentee dad. Late, too. Seeing the crap he gave her without even a card, I am reminded why I left him. I am reminded, slapped in the face to let go again. What an onion of letting go of the king of toxicity! When will I learn to release any expectataions, any hopes of him being what I want? I need to realize he's no longer in our lives for many reasons.

Part of my expectations are mine alone. They stem from childhood and adult disappointment from my own parents and family for birthdays and holiday gifts. For speaking my truth and not being acknowledged on my special days. As I keep getting older, amidst the seemingly millions of things I am working on internally, I truly am learning to let go of my expectations of others.

What I'll be pondering is how much do I fully let go and how much do I speak my truth? Do I visibly release him even more from our lives? At times like this I am strengthened by my good choices I've made for me in no longer allowing him in our lives. Or allowing him to have a strong emotional pull. He must have a bit of a pull if I am reacting so strongly, even if it only strong disappointment. What the hater or the comedienne in me would absolutely love to do is tape the package back up "return to sender". The note I would put inside would allude to me asking him to give her a gift card and to take these low quality/too small things back so he can buy a rock. I won't. Maybe in the morning, I will write it out and burn it with my other daily morning wishes to bring in.

I am strengthened by myself. By the good, strong choices I have made regarding her father. More and more of me these days is stepping into a better life and allowing that which I no longer need to fall by the wayside. And I must smilingly say I did pretty good this year on my own for her birthday presents. More than that, I am doing great building a beautiful life with the resources I do have for my daughter. Yes, my daughter. Happy birthday, shining light!

The Reason I'm Here Right Now

If you know me, you know it is hard for me to be here in Minnesota at this time in my life. I truly want to be near the ocean and in a warm climate, where my health is always more responsive. :)

I only noticed my resistance to my "home" state (where I lived the longest anyways) after I had moved to south Florida. That first time, in an abusive relationship with an infant, I came back because I have help here. Family. They have wanted me to get back on my feet, as far back as 2003. And still they want good things.

BUT. I resist being here. Things are easier here. They are easier in the sense I can simply shut down if I choose to. I can just figure out how to bring enough money in to take care of my daughter. Choosing this means I am not taking care of myself. This is the part that tears my heart apart, what makes me long for the ocean. For the opposite of where I am right now, for what I cannot have at the moment.

The ocean has been very healing for me. Even when I lived in a shelter inland in Miami. Destructively, I would drive past my ex husband's house when I was sad or distraught. His choice to continue using drugs drove me away from him every time I would muster up enough courage to see if he'd changed. It put my daughter and I in a shelter for the second time. One day I drove to the ocean instead. We played in the sand. After that day, I went to the ocean instead of torturing myself by driving by his place. I still have many treasures we found on our walks to the ocean. They are near me now.

Yet the reason I am here is because when I was on my own, I told myself it was too hard to do everything. Yes, I was alone. I made a few friends. I had a job. We got our own apartment seven blocks from the ocean. We took advantage of living a life near the ocean and near abundance in outdoor activities. We found a loving unity church with wondrous music, speakers and kind souls. The sunshine and the ocean breathed life into my soul again. It did become too much. Abuse follows you. The administrators at my job needed to be hung by their toenails. People don't have to be mean. They chose to follow unsaid rules, thinking it is what they are supposed to do instead of being decent. I have loved the south, yet those who don't tell me it's called the dirty south. Yep.

My heart can still be a bit naive at times, and I am ever the optimist. Honestly, I think about what I desire and forge ahead to get it. And I learn from everything. I lived down by the ocean for two years. I put myself in the situation where I got behind paying for basics, and just didn't have enough money. My mother came to see my daughter's pre-kindergarten graduation, staying overnight in our studio apartment. It still had vibrant colors but it was even teenier with three people in it. She begged me to come live with them in their house again. At that time, they didn't have enough money. They were blessed to reduce their house payment. My dad lost everything in stocks, for himself and his clients. It was heartbreaking. I can only now realize that my sucky relationship with my mom had begun to heal being 2,000 miles apart from each other.

I chose the easier path. Each time I would share that I was leaving, my heart would break open with fresh tears. I was acting on this being "the right thing to do" for my parents and for my daughter to supposedly live in a better place (than where her mama was happy?). Ah, well. We do things. We act at the time, then later on realize what was really going on.

It is no lie it has been a struggle for me up here. In many ways. My daughter brings daily joy and laughter to our lives. I am parenting differently than my rigid, fearful mom. The light that shines through is my women friends and our get togethers. They are fun, fabulous and non-judgmental. I am blessed and ever-grateful. For the great things and for everything else, which is a work in progress. In my mind, I continually think about or even make lists of what I need to do to improve my life and be happy again. Some days I even work towards it. At a snail's pace. That's okay. I've now realized why I'm here. More healing. To slow down enough to heal. Whatever it is I need to heal that can only be healed by living here, being here another cold winter with my controlling, unhappy parents. It is what is meant to be for now. And when I am ready for the next step, I will be there. I hope immediately.

I embrace the healing. I would ask my self, my heart, my soul for courage to leap into it. To release all that no longer serves me so I may be happier sooner. I am appreciative and grateful for all the lessons.

Ocean, Please Rescue Me

It's not enough
To be surrounded
By my treasures from the ocean,
From when I felt alive
And healed by the ocean's waves every day
I am in mourning
It goes deep within me
I treasure all I've lived,
Blessedly,
Yet!

I want more time by my
Beloved ocean
More years,
More time to be healed
I am still broken
I feel this every day here
This place I live is so desolate to my soul.
The tundra.
And when I let them,
The tears fall hard.
Perhaps some part of me
Is still ravaged inside
From the not-so-long ago pain
Oh, my soul, my heart and spirit ---
Withering here in the land of
You must have a plan or
You must have your life together
I do not. I'm already 40
Most days I am okay with this,
Leaning on my past treasured times.
I long relentlessly for life at the ocean
Why am I being punished in this
Barren place I'm forced to call home?
Oh ocean, please rescue me!

November 7, 2010