It's A Great Place To Be

Quick! Name 3 things you are grateful for in the comments below. It is sooooo good to be mindful about what we appreciate and savor in all parts of our lives.

I don't have a long commute or drive to my work, but for some time now I hardly turn the radio on. I choose to think positively and be grateful and aware of what I am seeing. Just today near the end of my walk with Biggie my pug, I saw a row of maple trees sprinkled with a few others that were just gorgeous with the redness of fall.

Truly, I am finding more and more to be grateful for every day!

The longer I live in my townhouse, I am grateful for the home I live in. I wasn't always. My daughter and I lived with my parents up until May, 2012. We lived in their walkout basement. It was about 1,000 square feet with a full kitchen, one bedroom, and a fabulous bathroom with a big Jacuzzi bath. I miss the bath!

I didn't know how I would be able to move out and if I would be able to pay for everything. And I hadn't been working steadily at that point. I was working two different office jobs through my temporary agency instead of getting a "real" job.

Everything worked out perfectly. Right before I moved out, I started at the job I'm still at. Yes, it's still through my temporary agency, yet I am still there savoring the learning and the fabulous coworkers and the gifts the patients bring.

It's funny, when I came to look at this place we now call home, I wasn't sure. Not sure at all. Yet I put myself in the place of being grateful it is better than what I just came from, along with splashing my walls in ocean, juicy passionfruit, and green grape colors.

Yes, so many parts of me still long to be living at the ocean and in warmth. Especially now that winter's nearly upon us! Yet... I am finding myself focusing on what I love about living here. Daily small things tug on my heart and gratitude muscles. I suppose it is only in being thankful for it all and most importantly the small things that we allow ourselves to keep moving toward who we want to be, who we are meant to be. Most of all, I am grateful for the me I am along with the me I am becoming!

The Reason I'm Here Right Now

If you know me, you know it is hard for me to be here in Minnesota at this time in my life. I truly want to be near the ocean and in a warm climate, where my health is always more responsive. :)

I only noticed my resistance to my "home" state (where I lived the longest anyways) after I had moved to south Florida. That first time, in an abusive relationship with an infant, I came back because I have help here. Family. They have wanted me to get back on my feet, as far back as 2003. And still they want good things.

BUT. I resist being here. Things are easier here. They are easier in the sense I can simply shut down if I choose to. I can just figure out how to bring enough money in to take care of my daughter. Choosing this means I am not taking care of myself. This is the part that tears my heart apart, what makes me long for the ocean. For the opposite of where I am right now, for what I cannot have at the moment.

The ocean has been very healing for me. Even when I lived in a shelter inland in Miami. Destructively, I would drive past my ex husband's house when I was sad or distraught. His choice to continue using drugs drove me away from him every time I would muster up enough courage to see if he'd changed. It put my daughter and I in a shelter for the second time. One day I drove to the ocean instead. We played in the sand. After that day, I went to the ocean instead of torturing myself by driving by his place. I still have many treasures we found on our walks to the ocean. They are near me now.

Yet the reason I am here is because when I was on my own, I told myself it was too hard to do everything. Yes, I was alone. I made a few friends. I had a job. We got our own apartment seven blocks from the ocean. We took advantage of living a life near the ocean and near abundance in outdoor activities. We found a loving unity church with wondrous music, speakers and kind souls. The sunshine and the ocean breathed life into my soul again. It did become too much. Abuse follows you. The administrators at my job needed to be hung by their toenails. People don't have to be mean. They chose to follow unsaid rules, thinking it is what they are supposed to do instead of being decent. I have loved the south, yet those who don't tell me it's called the dirty south. Yep.

My heart can still be a bit naive at times, and I am ever the optimist. Honestly, I think about what I desire and forge ahead to get it. And I learn from everything. I lived down by the ocean for two years. I put myself in the situation where I got behind paying for basics, and just didn't have enough money. My mother came to see my daughter's pre-kindergarten graduation, staying overnight in our studio apartment. It still had vibrant colors but it was even teenier with three people in it. She begged me to come live with them in their house again. At that time, they didn't have enough money. They were blessed to reduce their house payment. My dad lost everything in stocks, for himself and his clients. It was heartbreaking. I can only now realize that my sucky relationship with my mom had begun to heal being 2,000 miles apart from each other.

I chose the easier path. Each time I would share that I was leaving, my heart would break open with fresh tears. I was acting on this being "the right thing to do" for my parents and for my daughter to supposedly live in a better place (than where her mama was happy?). Ah, well. We do things. We act at the time, then later on realize what was really going on.

It is no lie it has been a struggle for me up here. In many ways. My daughter brings daily joy and laughter to our lives. I am parenting differently than my rigid, fearful mom. The light that shines through is my women friends and our get togethers. They are fun, fabulous and non-judgmental. I am blessed and ever-grateful. For the great things and for everything else, which is a work in progress. In my mind, I continually think about or even make lists of what I need to do to improve my life and be happy again. Some days I even work towards it. At a snail's pace. That's okay. I've now realized why I'm here. More healing. To slow down enough to heal. Whatever it is I need to heal that can only be healed by living here, being here another cold winter with my controlling, unhappy parents. It is what is meant to be for now. And when I am ready for the next step, I will be there. I hope immediately.

I embrace the healing. I would ask my self, my heart, my soul for courage to leap into it. To release all that no longer serves me so I may be happier sooner. I am appreciative and grateful for all the lessons.

Ocean, Please Rescue Me

It's not enough
To be surrounded
By my treasures from the ocean,
From when I felt alive
And healed by the ocean's waves every day
I am in mourning
It goes deep within me
I treasure all I've lived,
Blessedly,
Yet!

I want more time by my
Beloved ocean
More years,
More time to be healed
I am still broken
I feel this every day here
This place I live is so desolate to my soul.
The tundra.
And when I let them,
The tears fall hard.
Perhaps some part of me
Is still ravaged inside
From the not-so-long ago pain
Oh, my soul, my heart and spirit ---
Withering here in the land of
You must have a plan or
You must have your life together
I do not. I'm already 40
Most days I am okay with this,
Leaning on my past treasured times.
I long relentlessly for life at the ocean
Why am I being punished in this
Barren place I'm forced to call home?
Oh ocean, please rescue me!

November 7, 2010