Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Dictators In My Life

Er...ummm....yes, I've got at least a couple dictators in my life.

I discovered after leaping full speed ahead out of life my abusive ex-husband that abuse can follow you around. Another thing I learned in my valuable time in support groups to heal from that same lovely stuff is of course we learn it from our childhood or family or somewhere from our growing up years. Here and there since 2004 i have had folks in my life that were clearly abusive. These things are always good to be aware of, and even better to keep walking through the healing part of the journey!

Yep, my mom is still dictating to me how to live my life. I keep patiently teaching her how to act appropriately with me. Thank goodness I've put my daughter in child care at her school. Always when I've shelled out money when my mom offered to watch Bella for free I've found adding more peace to our lives to be worth it. It is great for my daughter to be able to just play and be a kid in one more place.

So of course in life I have noticed a pattern. Unresolved mother issues brings other people into my life to practice working through the same stuff. No time like the present! I happen to work with a couple of powerful women. One just had a baby so I have a break from her for a bit. The other one is feisty and from a middle eastern country. I am grateful to have a job, happy I've created good income and new learning opportunities to add to my past experiences. I also have always sooo very much going on and ideas about what I want to do or be or create into my life. Some things I simply live and participate in, not ready to yet shift. In many other areas of my life, I am shifting tremendously. My spirit keeps saying yes!

No, I am not yet ready to actively pursue getting a different job. I am ready to keep standing up for myself with my aggressive coworker. To keep exploring within myself how much of her actions and behavior or truly hers and if any of it is my actual or internalized mother. Exciting stuff these days! I've been so consumed with my work days ~ now to make time to reflect on this more and allow the small, gentle steps to move into better places in every area of my life!

Thanks for reading. I hope you are experiencing abundant gratitude moments! :)
~ Marina

Saturday, August 18, 2012


Wow ~ has life been clipping along at a fabulously nice pace! I just walked by my only calendar that's hanging up. It was made by my daughter for a mother's day present at school. Since it's a "work of art" I don't feel it's a real calendar ~ the kind you keep track of your life on.

That got me to thinking: I do not have any real calendars for this year to keep track of my life on. Not even one calendar to write important dates on or goals I am striving toward. Yes, we did just move into a new place. In May. And I am still unpacking. Chuckle, chuckle! I took a summer intensive class that has been over for a few weeks so I've started gingerly unpacking again.

Looking at a calendar and thinking or pondering about goals and what I want to truly be doing as opposed to what I'm allowing to take up my moments is a great time to pause. Another great time to pause, since I am one who loves to reflect deeply or to think about how everything is interconnected. For me, I can see since I did not consciously take time to buy a calendar I can keep track of my monthly goals and what I am choosing to live, life is going to continue zinging by faster and faster.

I've chosen to jump in more this year by getting a full time job that is pushing and stretching me while allowing me to become even more. Laughing to myself, I can honestly admit I have way too many "things" or areas of importance in life to 'be balanced about'. I have deep, passionate goals for myself. I am choosing to continue getting healthier and healthier mentally, spiritually and physically. I love that I keep choosing to live again. I love that I continue again toward the path of being who I am, and allowing it as fully as I can.

Yes, calendars are important. Yet, at the same time, it's more important what we choose to fill our moments with. Do we keep letting life pass us by or set intentions and then allow them to be fulfilled? In my deeply fulfilling work right now, I am receiving the gift of life. The gift of time and the opportunity to make a difference by bringing forth all these flowering seeds keeping time in my heart. Each and every day I count my blessings to still be alive, to still be allowed to make a difference. I am given the gift of being able to even keep a calendar and plan into the future. What beauty each day can hold ~ each day I can start fresh toward being grateful for it all and to work toward bringing my art and my creations into the world.

What comes up within you as you look at your calendar?

Monday, June 25, 2012

~What A Week~

Life got a little crazy, which is absolutely nothing new. I'm determined to jump back into life again. I tell myself I'm up for more. This soooo beats the opposite end of the spectrum for me, which is to become and stay paralyzed with fear. No thanks and goodbye to that old life. I love it and breathe in the fullness of choosing to live again!

Why do we keep ourselves away from that which we adore and love?

This week I've been reflecting on what is worth doing. I work with people who are often passing on to the other side, finished here on the earth. It is sad that they have finished up. Yes, it is also such a natural part of the whole cycle of life. That makes me think our creative, juicy lives need to be part of this natural cycle, too. There is so much life to be lived. So much joy to experience. There are some things we need to do, such as work or perhaps deal with a family member who hurts you immensely but still provides help that is needed, both in my case.

One day as I was walking out to my car during lunch, I thought about this: if you only had a year left, what would you do? And what if you knew you only had a year left but had not the money to travel the world or someother decadent thing costing money? If you were dying from cancer, or some other disease/condition, your health would likely be compromised, leaving you unable to fully do what your soul sings to do.

Me? I know what I could do that wouldn't necessarily cost anything ~ I would write about 20 books! We never know how long we are meant for this earth this time. And that is something that essentially costs only time and creativity and persistence.

I'm determined to start back on doing that which I love. Last week I felt like I was getting up at the crack of dawn, so I'm sticking to it. Instead of doing writing client work and still feeling frazzled, I intend to keep writing my book. I've got a little over 17,000 words already! Yippee! I'm a tad overwhelmed by all the fabulous things I want to work on ~ I feel waking up early and sitting down at the page is helping soothe me already. I feel good about it.

Tell me, what would you do if you only had a year? And how can you step into it more in your life right now?

Friday, June 15, 2012

So Happy These Days

I am just amazed at the pace life is clipping along at these days for me. I feel immensely blessed for all these blessings.

I am having so much fun at my job each day. Amazingly learning new skills ~ now I know how to schedule cat scans and bone density tests and such. The biggest part of me adores learning new things! I love to stretch my brain. I feel grateful as I've gotten older I've become more comfortable in my skin and confident as well. I still work on shedding stuff like giving a rip what others think of me or judging myself against others. One way I could look at it: if ms. x had lived through what I lived through, how would they have handled it.

I truly am so grateful for all these lessons along this path I'm on.

Summer is just my absolutely favorite time. This isn't even about the warm weather or the beach. And it's something I am experiencing living in Minnesota ~ I adore the way the air smells after things have started growing again, just after spring when mother nature is sliding into the beginning of summer. Ahhhh. So content. That beautiful, fresh, sweet smell mixed with sunshine reminds me how good life can be. It also symbolizes the stagnant part of the year is over and now we can embrace growth and loving ourselves. Not necessarily to bring in more, although that is fun, too. Whatever we with and without intent focused on and prayed into existence is coming in.

That is the beauty in life right now. I love loving life again. I love being grateful for so many things every day. I love the hustle of getting back into the swing of living fully again. This means living in our own place again, a new job that is most days over alarmingly fast with many smiled and lots of laughter shared with patients and coworkers, just making life work again. I love that I am actually ready and already embracing it all again. Getting up, getting myself and my daughter ready, dropping her at her grandma's for free daycare, sliding into work sometimes early and sometimes just barely in time, weaving through the tapestry of the busyness of the day, a new extremely fun class that counts toward my pre-nursing classes, even going out.

It's so amazing to be on the other side. To trust it is and will keep getting better. Best of all, to be grateful for all the moments. Ahhhh, life.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Press The Easy Button

So, ahem. Hi again! And ahem again. I was having such fun today at work when this cute Hungarian boy came in. He's not really a boy, he's just 9 years younger than me and has that young, youthful look about him. Yes, he's a patient at the clinic I started working at in the beginning of April. Me and my has just been so delicious and fun to actually find men to flirt with again and talk with. What a treat. You know, the cute smile, sense of humor, tallness. :)

:) and now I am blushing, just like at work with my fun coworkers!

There was a young boy (brought with to his grandfather's appointment) who was reaching for a cup on the counter. He was perhaps four or five years old, so pretty short and little and cute. He was stretching and stretching. My coworker told him to keep stretching "just a little farther".

I immediately shouted over his way "See how there are three metal parts? Grab the one closest to you and pull it towards you. Then you can get it easy." My coworker and the cute boy almost started booing me, tell me that's how you stretch and grow taller. Hmmm. Really? I said to them and the little boy "I'm all about pressing the easy button."

Yes, I am. It's that simple.

What made me feel even better later is that the grandma said the boy has an artificial leg. And again later he got another cup in the same manner I suggested. I looked over to see that his fingers weren't fully formed.

I'm all about stretching and pushing yourself to do new things and create an even better life doing things you've never done before. At the same time, I'm lately all about savoring the moment. Enjoying your fun moments you have every day. And that sure felt good in my heart to help that boy. Perhaps it's because my hearing loss is caused by nerve damage which caused birth defects and it was from a prescription drug my mom was given by a doctor way back when. Today, with this boy and what was perhaps also nerve damange it showed me how we always find connections with others, along with ways of helping them.

Friday, April 6, 2012


I don't know how to spell that and I'm not from Jersey ~ I like it all the same. It's so far away from who I am or who I grew up as. :) I love reading it in books, like Janet Evanovich's books perhaps?

I was washing dishes. Sigh. Let me say that I have to wash the dishes to clear out the sink to put the pinesol/degreaser/water mix in a bucket and then mop the floors. This meditate handwashing of dishes got me to thinking about this weekend. It's "Easter" weekendfor those of you who celebrate it. I no longer do. I believe in something higher and I am spiritual (not religious). You know how some proudly say they are bornagains from whatever date? I became a recovered lutheran when I was 24 :) That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! (got that phrase from my fabulous Belize catamaran trip in 1999 from when the eight of us would sit around after dinner and we would all answer the same question and that was what we tacked onto the end of it! That and 'NO REGRETS!' from Bob and Herb give my heart good memories!) :)

Let me preface what I'm going to say (and hey, this is my blog so there! :)) by saying you are truly blessed if you have a wonderful mom and a great or even a good or decent relationship with her. I do not. I do have a wonderful mom. I'm appreciative of all she does for me, yet I learn so much more about what N O T to do! I'm going to be moving soon. Into our own townhouse. And starting a new job which I have a feeling will turn into another fabulous segment of my life! Seeing as how I don't "celebrate" churchy Easter (okay maybe I celebrate Eater - had a typo and thought of that!) and we have my brother and his finicky wife here for the weekend, I realized how wonderful it will be to say N O again to these family things!

That got me to thinking what else don't I like not necessarily about 'what my mom does to me' but what will I no longer have to do when my mom is no longer on this earth? Let me confess because of the animosity my mom must have for me, I have a fantasy that when she passes over is when I can start doing B I G healing from her. This allowed me to think I had to convince you I'm not planning a coup or some other tragedy. It also allowed me to think along the lines of one of my current goals with my current therapist ~ to quit blaming my parents for not learning fucking fabulous things from them or to be successful. (Yes, I'm giggling too!) They did so many wonderful things for us growing up, but I do have countless challenges, or I supposed I could say 'perspectives' to change and keep living my own life.

In connecting with another fabulous soul lately, Julie-Anne, I truly am leaping more into living and thriving rather than the wallowing you heard on this blog last year. It W I L L be wonderful and a blessing to live on my own again (obviously with my little flower and pug and lovebird). It will be a next step for again allowing myself to get back to who I am meant to be.

If I had my way, this is what I would hurry up and heal from or get over that's crappy remnants from my mom:
~ Start doing what I want to do instead of collapsing on the heap of other people's expectations. (That means this Easter weekend and feeling pressure to clean everything up when I just want to keep living my own life.)
~ Be the kind of mom who has more succulent, laughing moments and memories with my daughter rather than the shameful things that are programmed into me like keeping the house clean or doing the dishes instead of laughing with Bella.
~ Just truly L E T G O of what other people might think about me. Whose life is this anyways???!!!
~ I haven't done this in a while, but release forever the need to attract anyone into my life who has less than me where I feel I must fix them or take care of them and most especially release the need to buy someone things so they will like me. Partly this may be unconscious. Partly I get bored with myself, my own life, or just don't want to do the work on myself so it becomes an excuse. No thanks and no more.
~ The need to be any more than I am right now. Even if I weigh more than I want to, even if I make less money than I am worth, even if I am not this or not that. Even if I am not what I hear my mom trying to pound into my ears and head on what to be speaking from her hurt spirit. Right now I am a fabulous spirit! I am alive and I am loving my journey again!
~ All shame or expectations for me from my parents, my brothers, and mostly society or wierd relatives! I love that this is my journey. I love that when I allow it, I have the absolutely perfect souls connecting to me for joy and for the next lesson. I love all the joy I partake in when I listen to who I truly am. All the rest is what makes us have illness and unhappiness if we listen to it.

Wishing you the perfect life for fabulous you right now!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

42 Things In 42 Years!

There are soooo many super-awesome people who write awesome things that I follow :) They're about travelling, building your own business and being able to live on the beach in the Pacific, releasing, the funniness of life. Some of these are young whippersnappers! I love that, too. I get inspired by their 27 in 27 years I'm challenging myself here to make my own but to keep it short :) So I actually finish! Ha! :)

42 Things I Have Learned In 42 Years To Make Life More Succulent,
To Move Through The Suckiness Faster,
To Get To The Part Where You Drink In The Good Things Again

  1. Breathe it in when it's good. Treasure those good moments, good days, good months, good years!
  2. Trust that life will get good again. It will.
  3. In quiet moments list in your head what you are grateful for. I do this when I'm falling asleep.
  4. Be outrageous! Live wildly when you can!!
  5. When someone asks you why as in "Why did you travel to 20 countries?" sassily retort: "Why not!" :)
  6. When you are stuck, move 27 things. I think the fabulous Denise Linn says if you move 27 things around it shifts the energy.
  7. Declutter! Why? Why not!
  8. Read inspirational, positive people/websites/books/blogs.
  9. Start by loving yourself. Keep loving yourself.
  10. Expect nothing. (Not from yourself of course!) This is a good trick or technique to get through days you're not especially fond of, like holidays or birthdays. This way you're overjoyed at the nice things that happen.
  11. Be grateful for even the smallest things. Even when life is going great for you. Especially when life is not going so great!
  12. If you are feeling crabby or unloved, do ONE (small or big) thing for yourself to nurture yourself and your spirit.
  13. Are you an artist? Even if you aren't, create art as often as you can. Who cares if you think you can't whatever. Just do it.
  14. Look at your art. Treasure it in your heart.
  15. Look at other art.
  16. Be open to allowing new things in. Listen to get a sign for the next book to read. Take a moment to talk and laugh with the person waiting in line with you to check out. Lovely moments are always happening!
  17. Cultivate a life you love.
  18. Have courage to release the negative and the toxic. Yes, even if it's your family. At the end of the day, you are obligated to nothing (no-thing) :)
  19. Allow yourself to flourish. I have loved sinking into more of who I am as I've gotten older.
  20. Jump into it! Take that daring leap and go live in that foreign country.
  21. It is true that your only regrets are what you haven't done - it can stay in your mind.
  22. Forgive yourself easily. For everything. For your interactions with others that didn't go so well. For not leaving sooner. For not jumping in soon enough.
  23. Allow.
  24. Make treasure maps. Some call them vision boards. I have collected pictures and phrases over the years and kept them. Now I get notebooks that were lying around and tape everything in.
  25. Surround yourself with images and phrases of what you want to bring in.
  26. Say yes when it comes in! Even if you're scared! Even if you forgot how it is to live succulently!
  27. Get some great shoes!
  28. Walk great places in your great shoes.
  29. Listen to what people around you are telling you with their words, their stories and their actions.
  30. Forgive yourself for anything you see as a mistake. My thing has been forgiving my parents for not teaching me more, and my mom for not loving me unconditionally.
  31. Access your beautiful interior. Do this by reading beautiful words and travelling to countries where you do not know the language so you must spend time by yourself.
  32. Believe the Universe/Spirit/God/Goddess has FABULOUS things in store for you!
  33. Yes, you are worth it!
  34. Surround yourself with crazy, succulent, fun friends!
  35. Trust that whatever journey you are on, you are meant to be on. Yes, I'm a single mom. Yes, I was with someone not so great. I feel sooo blessed to have my daughter, especially now that I'm not sure if I'll have any more beautiful children naturally :)
  36. Walk away from negative nellies faster. I haven't yet mastered the art of tuning them out while having experiences with them. I bless them and then bless myself for knowing I'm greater than their fears. :)
  37. If you have a dream, take one step towards it. Take another. And another. Pretty soon you biked 88 miles in one day :) Or wrote that first book (I've got 16,000 words already in mine!)
  38. Expect miracles. And then be grateful for what you allow in :)
  39. Treasure things/experiences/most of all people and release when its time.
  40. Be grateful your life is better now than it used to be.
  41. Trust your life will get fabulous again. I tend to have an "18 months of suckiness period". I know, it sounds funny. I'm grateful to have passed through another one!
  42. Learn. Learn about yourself. Set big dreams. Go for whatever is in your big, beautiful heart. Always believe in yourself!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Living More In The Now

I was just lying in bed, not trying very hard to fall asleep. I started to say what I was grateful for. My mind slipped to thinking about how I'd like to start doing some leg/arm exercises daily and to do some exercise daily, too. That, of course, got me wondering how to do this when I start working again. It's easy now that my days are filled with me...but I expect to be working in some new office again very soon.

It's fun being a single mom ~ or even being a mom for that matter, isn't it! :)  I don't know about you, but I have LOTS on my plate! All these things to see if I can fit in the day when I'm motivated to do so (are you chuckling already, too? ). And those things to do to improve myself and our life. Ah, well.

No wonder my mind keeps drifting from saying gratitudes to myself just before I fall asleep. This time in wondering how I would fit in this blossoming desire to take care of myself in different ways, I drifted to how I did it when Bella and I lived in our own little studio apartment seven blocks from the ocean in Miami Beach. We would crash awake, bumble around and had to get out the door by a certain time. I had careen from 14th street all the way to 70th street or so on Collins Avenue. Now I can feel the whir of the art deco hotels and rising sun on my mind's eye.

I would drop my precious little daughter off at her pre-kindergarten daycare called Happy Kids. What a lovely name! She had mostly good experiences there! I am chuckling to myself remembering an instance where a mom came up to me as the moms lingered a few moments after picking their children up. She asked if I wanted to get her son and my daughter together to play. I was always open to meeting new people when we lived there, to bringing new experiences in.

That changed in the blink of an eye when in the next few days I was told about 'an incident' with our kids. Kids are kids, that's my belief. She was upset with my daugher, leaving all blame in our court. The teachers weren't watching the kids and just these two went in some small room and were sharing their parts with each other. They were only five years old. Rather than be mad at anyone, I immediately wondered where the teachers were when this happend. That's why I chuckle, it's just the nature of kids~not that this occured any other time :)

Lying in bed, I couldn't remember which bridge or causeway I took to allow me to get to work on time. Probably the 41st street one. It's interesting that my memory is already fading. In many ways, this is a great sign. I tend to miss the life I just came from when I move from the tropics to the tundra. Now nearing the end of what I could call a tropical tundra winter, I am enjoying myself. Enjoying much of my days. Happy to be alive and on the mend. Just plain happy to be feeling better! As I was telling people last month 'my 18 months of suckiness are over'. Thank goodness!

I see it as a good sign that life in Miami Beach is fading. Obviously this raised in the midwest girl will forever treasure those ocean sunsets. That favorite drive in the Florida Keys with the Atlantic Sea on one side and the Gulf of Mexico on the other is forever etched in my heart. Yet these days I strive to keep putting one happy foot in front of the other. I'm working with some writing clients and figuring out how to take 1-2 classes this summer to go back to school for a nursing degree. Yes, really. I have been thinking about it for years, since Bella was born. So that's over eight years. Time to do something. I find myself wondering out loud if she and I will be in Minnesota until she's 18 so she can go to her same great school district. I figure that's enough time to become a nurse, since that's only 10 years left...till I could live on a sailboat and sail around some of the world. Yep, that's one of my current dreams - to get rid of almost everything and live on a sailboat. Yep, I've got a lot of fabulous dreams in my heart!

Here's to hoping fabulous Y O U is having a terrific new year so far and that your dreams are starting to play out!

Friday, January 6, 2012

What Has Changed In A Year?

I've been reading some fabulous year-end reviews like Benny's. I started mine. Yes, I actually started it. And I'll finish it soon and post it.

Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday!! Wow. I'm incredibly grateful that I've had what seems like a complete infusion of living positively (again). Yay! Just before I put my daughter to bed tonight, we shouted out into the darkness of night this horrible birthday song:

Happy Birthday, ugh (big grunt!)
Happy Birthday, ugh (another big grunt)
Misery and despair
People dying everywhere
Happy Birthday, ugh.

What is sad is that for the past few years I have not at all been excited about my birthday. To me, it symbolized that I've been living a sucky life and, introspectively, what I haven't done. All that's been in my heart.

All those wonderful things I want to do are still in my heart. And I hope to do at the very least 1- 2 of them in this next year.

For whatever reason, I've had a shift inside. I've been more consciously working on releasing all these crap beliefs I'm holding inside me for how life needs to look and act and feel like. No thanks! There are so many ways that have never served me that have attached themselves to me somewhere along the way. One gift to growing older is realizing it's okay to shuck the shitty things you collected along the way. Perhaps I could rename this post Shuck the Shit. Ha! Big laughs!

It feels great to say to myself, you know it's soooo okay to believe you deserve good things and to be happy again. What an amazing concept for me. This year I am saying goodbye to feeling badly emotionally and physically. I am saying goodbye to any niggling remainders of being a victim. I honor my past. I am grateful for all these lessons I lived through. And even happier I'm on the other side of the dark space. I never do well in these dark spaces of my life. And yet when I'm in them, I know and trust they will pass. Eventually.

The reason I had Bella and I sadly sing that sadder song into the dark night is because I didn't even want it in my living space. I work hard to create a living space that's soothing and makes me feel good. (Note to self: need to work harder on that by painting my table ocean this weekend with the warm Minnesota winter!)

I am feeling great these days. I'm working in an office for now. I had a much better xmas and New Year's where I created more of what I wanted instead of having huge problems with my parents not honoring my daughter and I last year. I am so grateful I am choosing to create a better life these days, and to expect life to keep getting better and better. And it's not that things are even that fabulous, it's just my attitude is much more positive. I've been feeding it positive cereal for a while!