Missing My Old Life

I used to be so sad, so depressed. In those times, my moments were filled with thoughts of what I had lived that I still held dear to my heart. Grand people and grand experiences make a lasting impression on my heart. This could be because I grew up not very confident in myself around the opposite sex. Yes, I believed in myself in many other areas and I grew up to be smart. It’s not the same to have inside you being comfortable with others in romantic relationships. I simply didn’t have many. And then I began picking the wrong men. Ah, for all the tender hearts out there…

In sad moments, why I think about things I already lived that I loved for so long? I love Pablo Neruda’s line loving is so short, forgetting is so long. This follows me after these wrong men already climbed into my heart and I had to eventually untangle myself from them. I never saw myself as someone who had only bad things happen, or more bad things happen in her life than good things. Still, as I’ve grown older I’ve opened up more and chosen beautiful, spontaneous adventures. They’ve made me feel truly alive. In these sad times, I’m grateful I have a few grand memories. Yet at the end of the day, the sadness still sometimes pours over.

I allow myself to reflect on the beautiful things I’ve lived which have already vanished. Life is okay. It’s not great, and it’s certainly no longer horrible. It is only my life right now. I have to keep telling myself to no longer wish for the things I miss. Right now I won’t be able to make some of the choices I might like to. I have my daughter. I also have my parents who are coming to rely on my daughter and I in small yet profound ways. It saddens me to be akin to many who settle for an unfulfilling life, where perhaps choices aren’t ours to make. There must be waves in our lives where we do things for others, not entirely living our own lives. Not that I’m losing myself in my life right now. I am starting to make the choices I can to continue the good work I’ve started, living a good life. A more authentic life. To walk more lightly on my path.

For years, I’ve been mindful it’s a good practice to be in the now, to be grateful for my right now. I practiced this in small ways. The ocean helped me heal and appreciate life more, even the things that were not so good. In my transition now, I put one foot in front of the next. I can’t make grand plans for myself, my life, my heart. I can hold my heart’s desires inside my heart and walk toward them. I hold my tender feelings gently and lovingly, breathing life into them again. Breathing life into my journey of right now.