Monday, April 12, 2010

Worn Out Friday Night

Wow, it’s Friday night. I’ve had an incredibly long week at work. I’m watching this week’s episode of Private Practice. It’s tearing me up. I think for such a long time I have been sort of in limbo. Working (sometimes not very greatly) at being able to live – to work, to all alone take care of my now six year old daughter, to keep up the place we’re able to live in at the time. And then there’s my spirit. Perhaps that’s what the tears are about. I sooooo feel I haven’t had a life, haven’t been allowed to have a life. Yes, I’ve had a life. But the expected things I do haven’t nourished my soul, my spirit. Listening to others has added to the emptiness inside me.

At this time, I’m not able to live anywhere on my own. So many parts about being a single mom are hard and a challenge every day. One positive thing that has kept me moving forward to live a better life again is that I’ve lived such a rich life. I guess at times such as these, when I watch a show about characters on tv I love, it bring out the tenderest parts of me. I am sad for all my life is not. No romance (no more cabana boy – he was just an occasional sex call now and then anyways), no thin, healthy body with a zest for life, no money to travel adventurously in unknown territories. It’s as though there is no steadiness in my life. The big emptiness inside me (sadly, I am realizing it’s perhaps been there quite a long time) has leaked out in other ways, such as mindless hours on the computer chattering with other empty souls or watching lots of shows.

I’m ready to move on. I am allowed to embrace tenderly the sad parts of me. And yet, I embrace how good life could be again. In any case, I can keep remembering if I keep doing as much as I can for myself, I will be back into loving all parts of my life soon!

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