Once upon a time there was a fabulous young woman who, it seemed, wasn't afraid of anything. She jetted off to 20 or 21 countries, sometimes by herself. She jumped off cliffs into startlingly cold water. She fell in and out of love with the wrong men. During her second trip to Europe, she and her peer from college had a 'trains, planes and automobiles' kind of a journey to get to Neuschwanstein. He told her there was a rickety bridge spanning a gorge but that you could take intensely beautiful pictures from it of the castle. She took his hand and led him to the middle of the time-honored narrow bridge, all while his eyes were closed to deceive his fear of heights. Another time, she made a new woman friend over the internet. This friend was afraid of heights and yet she was painting the outside of her one story house. This girl went over and climbed right up the ladder like she was going for a run or hopping another plane and painted, getting paint in her hair and laughing with her new friend.
What happened to this fearless woman? Yes, I am still here, in the shell of my body. The big shell. It's not that who I am in my mind and what is physically present is two different things. I have transformed into a less than fabulous person in the last few years. All the while, I try to be okay with where I am. Truly, I never embrace it. Even living seven blocks away from the ocean, I was holding on for dear life with depression peeking it's head out of a packed away box and money troubles kayaking closer and closer towards me. Trying. I am very conscious about not using that word. To me it means it's never going to happen. So just keep trying.
Yes, some things happened. I did not run like hell fast enough from a couple bad relationships I had. The last one scarred me severely. But honestly, that is not who I am any more. I can say that lately I am allowing myself to be shaped by not wanting to live in Minnesota. My words say I embrace the life I am living right now. Yet the actions are not true to those words. I have crutches. Inaction and emotional eating are the favored choices.
Once again, I want to be fearless. I want to every moment be living the courageous life those close to me see. Daily I am surrounded by positive words and other brave souls who are living fully. Living fully in our messes, in the realness of what we truly are. Not perfect. I know I'm not who I want to be right now. I'm perhaps ready to start stepping across the bridge which will lead me back to who I truly am inside. That is, when I tear away all the ineffective barriers I've built up these last few years. Thank goodness for positive words, for my mental clarity, and keeping the belief alive that I am worth this fight, this long, long walk. Perhaps I've already started walking across the bridge. My intentions in my heart are clear. I want to love life again!
Thanks for reading, and thank you for following my blog! What are your fears and what are you doing to walk up to them, bop them swiftly on the nose and then keep going?
WOW. Marina, that was an amazing post! Ya know, You ARE fearless and fabulous. But it's like a muscle that doesn't get worked or a skill that doesnt get practiced. It's still there. It just need to be "flexed" a bit. I think too as we get older, we get more cautious. Especially as parents. We are responsible for bigger things now (financial support, raising kiddos). Find someone who also wants to 'cross the bridge" but is afraid. Hold each others hand and take one step. Then another. There's safety in numbers :)
ReplyDeleteMarina, bless you and your courageous, soul-searching honesty. Self-honesty is the key to any real growth. You really touched my heart with the depths of your writing tonight. Many blessings to you on this incredible journey! xo McCall
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing. Your BODY might be less than fabulous...as in less than what you would like, but you know that YOU are fabulous. You as in the person you are, your soul. My body is way less than fabulous. But I'm learning that I am okay.
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