Day 1: Something I Hate About Myself

Hmmm. Well, right now I'm overweight. In itself that tells me i'm not taking loving care of myself and my life.

For the purpose of this writing exercise, the thing I hate about myself is that I'm sooooo big on ideas and not at all big on finishing them. Motivation or stick-to-it-ness is my downfall. And it's so dumb, I even discussed it recently with a therapist. We were doing some good work, wondering what core belief I have inside me which makes me tell myself I'm not worth doing all these good things. And then I went and skipped town for a month. Never mind that everyone told me not to go. The tarot cards, people, family. OH well. Packed my kid up to what I reasonably assumed was going to be a good/tolerable/at least workable situation. Even though it blew up in my face (again! :( ), I can already see how much I "got rid of". I'm not on the constant pity pot any more. I'm less in fear about doing my creative work/things I love. More especially I sooo don't care what others think about me. The others that have been in my life or in my head for a long time. Hooray for that month releasing those talons.

One thought/belief I've gained from reading Ken Robert's creative blogs (www.mildlycreative.com) is you need to just do the thing. To do the creative work. Not worry so much or so anxiously about the outcome. Sometimes nothing may come of it other than you needed to write a 500 page book for the sake of knowing you had to rewrite it differently. If you never started, you'd still be in your head about it. I also hold on to wanting to be paid (and paid well) as a writer for all the projects whirring around in my brain and on paper. It would be better for me to just start somewhere. And keep going. To simply do the creative stuff to do it. I know I'll be successful, yet I need to separate the two. And just do the creative stuff.

I am deciding to treat this sort-of trait just like everything else I've been releasing furiously: I will trust it will work itself out and no longer bother me. Sounds great to me!

30 Days of Truth: Questions To Answer About Myself

Wow! I have a fabulous facebook friend who is an artist, Barb Black. www.blackinkpad.blogspot.com. She's inspiring to say the least! She blogs nearly every day. She borrowed from one of her blogger friends, Becky at www.thinkingtoohard13.wordpress.com. Barb has encouraged me to do this, too. I will! I may not do it every single day, and some may be easier than others...I'm motivated to dig deeper. Especially since my immediate goals are to get a writing studio and finish a book I've already started writing (got about 50 or so pages written on one part of it). When I used to be a more serious writer, I did different kinds of writing each day. I hope these exercises will free up my interior a little so i can get on the road faster! I must preface this with my excuse of being a single mom. However, thank goodness school is in session!! I often find myself big on ideas but not so big on follow up. So here's the neat list:

30 Days of Truth: An Introduction

Day 01 - Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 - Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 - Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 - Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 - Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 - Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 - Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 - A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 - A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 - Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 - Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 - A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 - Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 - What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 - The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 - What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself.


And if you decided to do this too, even privately, keep me posted!

List of Impossible Things

Yes, I believe all things are possible! I'm naming this after Joel Runyon (www.joelrunyon.com), who has an awesome website/blog about all the impossible things he's achieving, and also the life he's living along the way.

Here's my list:

1. Get published in O, Oprah's magazine.
2. Marry my soulmate.
3. Live by the ocean, cultivating a creative yet laid back life filled with travelling, friends, pets, spontaneity and more.
4. Travel to 50/100 countries, including Costa Rica, Bali, Italy, Greece...
5. Climb the Grand Canyon.
6. Own a sailboat, learn to sail, sail around the world or caribbean for a few months.
7. Learn about living by the sea from natives.
8. Be fit and healthy and love my body and lead by example so my daughter does the same.
9. Take a writing sabbatical in Italy, writing and eating and walking, for several months to finish a book.
10. Travel the world with my daughter so she starts earlier than me.
11. Do a triathalon.
12. Run a marathon.
13. Be a famous multi-book published author who helps people with my writing.
14. Have an inspiritational website.
15. Drive a Lamborghini 200 mph on the autobahn.
16. Own a house by the seashore with a verandah stocked with plenty of fun drinks and casual clothes!
17. Pay my debts off.
18. Get an MFA in Creative Writing.
19. Love the body I'm in.
20. Have a Pit Bull and American Bulldog as pets.
21. Learn how to garden.
22. Become an ordained minister through Lynn Woodland.
23. Live a happy, joyful life ALL the time.
24. Swim with dolphins and other sea animals.
25. Volunteer with sea animals and better understand them/their needs.
26. Experience mardi gras.
27. Have a good experience at Fantasy Fest.
28. Get a tattoo of Little Guy.
29. Get tattos of the ocean on all my back!
30. Live a magical life! Be spontaneous! Be open to love, life and happiness!
31. Learn to surf.
32. Learn to kiteboard.
33. Get certified to scuba dive (if possible with my ears).
34. Scuba Blue Hole in Belize and Key West/surrounding waters and other beautiful areas in the world.
35. Get my own long rainstick in the rainforest.



i know there's more! i am so grateful for all the wonderful things i have already done! :)

An Afternoon On The Water

I've transitioned myself into my happier life. I am again by the ocean. Sigh. Thank goodness. It didn't take much to get here, but in a sense it did. I had inertia just to get myself physically moved and to actually leave. And then the 2.5 day drive down, 30 miles short of Key West. It's all good now.

Saturday we went to move my friend/roommate's 30 foot sailboat. We amazingly put this humongous anchor in my suv. It took three people to get it out. Gypsy's friend Doc and his girlfriend Esther took us out on their pontoon to find Gypsy's boat. Driving to our starting point on Cudjoe, we saw little ponds everywhere to remind us of the torrential rains in the night. It was cloudy on the way over to the sailboat.

With high winds from all the hurricane season storms swirling around, her boat moved inland quite a bit. It was in shallow water. It was actually stuck in the four foot something water we could stand in the bottom full of seaweed and sand. Holy tangled anchor ropes! It took Esther, Gypsy and Doc about two hours to untangle the ropes, chains and anchors and prepare them for re-anchoring.

Another setback we thought we had was the boat pretty much being stuck or non-moving in the shallows. The powerful pontoon motor pulled it right out. We were relieved. So everything was taken care of in it's own time.

We didn't plan on being gone almost seven hours. Lucky Bella and I haven't been hungry since we arrived in hot hot hot Florida. We had plenty of drinks, compliments of our fabulous boat friends. As always too with a child, you can expect things to go okay for a certain amount of time. Sometimes I get tired of apologizing to others for my daughter's behavior when she gets out of sorts. She didn't want food. She wanted to jump in the water and swim. At first, it wasn't possible. In fact, after Gypsy fell in and almost hit the running motor, she punched a nurse shark in the nose. I didn't realize this. I just kept hearing or seeing her suddenly disappear, falling off into the water.

Bella loved the water! Esther had a lavender-colored noodle, so I was okay with Bella swimming by herself. Pretty soon I jumped in too. She really loved both of us swimming around together. We kept taking laps around both of the boats. Esther kept taking pictures of us laughing in the water, but soon Bella didn't want her picture taken.

My little Bella does well with me. Sometimes she has her tantrums, or her moments. We talk about things. She gets things taken away occasionally but it usually doesn't come to that. It's just been her and I. One of the reasons to move away again to live by the ocean is so it can be only her and I living our lives together. We're successfully destressing from living with my parents for 9 months or so.

One thing I dislike is when others try to tell you how to take care of your child. The woman we were with kept drinking beer after beer. None of the rest of us drank. I enjoyed talking with her, finding out about her near death truck accident on US1 a few months ago, and talking about how she had a daughter who is already 20. Because she kept drinking, I had less respect for her when she tried to philosophize to my daughter about life in relation to her behavior. I didn't blame my daughter for not wanting to listen to her.

I think we certainly had a fabulous and worthwhile day. You have to leave room for expecting to be gone a short while and being gone for many extra hours ~ this I say directly in relation to caring for my daughter. I am hoping we find better people to spend time on the water with. I would love to see the dolphins down here - we both would!

Taming Some Fears

Wow! Incredible! My daughter and I went hiking to these gorgeous waterfalls on last Saturday night. It was a fun hike. I don't know why, I just don't do enough fun nature stuff with her...I let my sadness for living in this place keep me a little stuck sometimes and also my sadness in not liking who I am right now...until I move right along. So we went hiking. I've been there before. I'm so not too keen on my birth state of Wisconsin. Oh well. I like what I like.

We hiked. They had changed Willow River State Park around a bit, so I had to get my bearings to figure out how to get to the waterfalls again. We hiked down a steep hill. We saw some new things for Bella and a few critters. Never mind that we have a creek right in back of our house, it was great to get out in real nature, right into the woods. Wow again. I absolutely adore nature once I do all the work to get there. I have only to stop making excuses. Then I can get there faster.

I used to do a lot more physical activity. I loved exploring nature, training for events. I feel so good in the middle of a forest or when I remember hiking in Glacier Park and seeing baby bears 10 feet away.

When we approached the waterfalls, there were gobs of people climbing up and down the shallow parts and also across the water. My daughter is part fearless and part careful from me telling her not to run at the pool so she wouldn't fall and get a TBI (traumatic brain injury - yes, I worked for a brain trauma neurosurgeon for 2 years!). She begged for a few minutes and we made our way over for her to get in the water. I thought I would simply take pictures of her. Soon enough, I took my shoes and socks off too. The rocks weren't slippery with the shallow amounts of fast-moving, slightly cold water flowing over them. I climbed up and up again. I was amazed at myself. This allowed me to remember much of the beautiful things I'd done. Jumping off a cliff in Negril. A rock climbing and sea kayaking weekend on the North Shore at age 28. Ah, life.

I love how once you've done something you never lose it. I haven't felt around for the perfect reach and holds for my hands and feet to keep hoisting myself upward for years. It came easily that day.

And then I decided we would make our way across the waterfalls to the other side rather than climb down backwards. I held my daughter's hand and sidled across ever so slowly. I was more the cautious turtle. Fear moved through me. I could feel myself shaking. Even moreso, I felt an invigorating energy. I felt an energy and thoughts inside wondering why I don't just do what it is I want to do.

We made our way to the other side, got our shoes on again and climbed all the way up and then down. That was another feat. It was about a 20 food vertical drop. It wasn't directly straight down, but fairly close. When we finally headed back on the hiking trail, it was becoming dark. It was fun to field her questions about the background noise of frogs croaking. Funny how I rarely am afraid in a situation like that where I am walking back in the near dark but daily life occasionally halts me briefly.

I was so grateful we went that night, and that I didn't let my fears take over. It's time to keep at it and keep at this fun life I'm living and keep creating more of a beautiful life!

A Little Bit

I am a little bit fixed.
My teeth are whole again
No longer oozing
With the failure of the world, my world.
So much of me still is
Broken
Screaming out in pain
Needing repair.

My ego is sad,
Not my heart or my spirit ~
For they wait patiently
Until I step back into my journey
Boldly, or even dare to
Step back into it,
To begin fixing more

Why am I so broken?
Why do I see myself as broken?
Is it the place, the space I am?
Boldly I say, I state:
I am no longer a victim
For I choose To live again!
I want to say yes to
Creating
Writing
My health
More travel
A new career with a better future
ALL OF IT!!

I will get there step by step
I have already started my journey
back to my self.

A.Santana/M. Reede

Leaving My Expectations Behind

This afternoon I took my six year old daughter to see Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. She was estatic to see it. I was not. I love to see movies with her most of the time, but before I saw this one, I could have taken it or left it. It turned out to be pretty darn cute. No tears for this one, but a nice cast of characters, a nice plot and lots of cute things the characters did to win you over. Plus, it's immensely fun to see movies with my daughter! She changed seats to the other side of me in the middle so she could "cuddle" with me. Yes, I'm blessed.

It makes me think of simply allowing yourself to do more. You may not be too thrilled about something, but give it a go and much of the time, you like the results.

I did this last night too. Chuckle chuckle. My friend is getting her masters in public health. She has long been an overachiever - and a delightful one to know!! She took on making a documentary about women and masturbation. We were individually "interviewed" on camera. It was such easy work. YOu were in, you were out. It was fun! I've long loved attention anyways. One of my main points was for my daughter to know it's okay to enjoy herself in the things she chooses to do, unlike the sad, repressed way I grew up.

I brought a new woman friend I just met at a "Wild Women Gathering" only a couple weeks ago. When I met her, she made me laugh out loud. She was so frank and candid. I love women like that! So I brought her to the "m" party. At first it was kind of quiet. I was reminded how, even though I'm quite social and talkative, when I first get to a party, I wish everyone would be swarming to talk to me and make me tell all my interestg and true stories. My friend and I found seats in a second room. We would slink back into the main room to load up our plates with tasty treats a few times and visit for a few minutes with the other women. A few came over and talked to us. My friend had plans of going to see a band afterwards and she was starting to be hell bent that we needed to leave. My allegiences were more to my friend and helping her out. There were quite a few of us, and it took time to film us.

We had so much fun right before we left talking to these other women. There is nothing better than sharing laughter with others. Then my friend and I fled. We were too late to see the band for more than an hour, so it wasn't worth going in. I wasn't excited about seeing a band perform 70s music (just not too excited about reliving that era where my mom made me wear ugly brown clothes day in and day out), but I was up for going out. I had dropped my daughter off at a sleepover. Instead, we ended up going to a fun couple of small bars on a main street of all town.

The funny thing was, my friend kept apologizing we weren't having more fun. I kind of stopped having expectations some time back. Okay, about some things. These days I'm just excited to get out with another fun soul. I hate to be honest, but I live in the middle of nowhere, am not super prosperous right now, and take care of my daughter almost all the time. Yes, you can bet I make the best of when I do get out with others.

What fun times! Nice, fun times without any expectations set up. I am happy to be changing into enjoying moments more instead of lamenting about what I no longer am living or what I plain just don't have that I'd love to have in my life. For now, I graciously accept the small joys!