I'm not making any excuses for who I am today...I am a work in progress and live the life I'm living right now in gratitude. YET I adored the succulent traveller and liver of life I used to be. This isn't about getting into what might or might not have happened to walk me down this path or how I've slowly been picking myself up (...happily!!).
I am amazed! I have been following with my succulence appetite a few blogs, getting to know the writers through their truth in words and photographs. People such as Joel Runyon. Through him, through my now being on twitter, through the magical powers of the universe, I have found many kindreds. Sure, some of them are in their 20s. Who cares! I did that stuff in my 20s and am excited to do more things in my 40s!
It helped me to remember something. I remembered who I was. I was myself and I went out and lived, not necessarily listening to all the naysayers in the world. Family of origin, those who are scared they'll combust instantaneously unless they stick to their rigid paths. Wow! I can hardly believe I've careened back into living a bit of this way, of allowing these beliefs to invade my happiness, my being.
I read about people who give up what I call day jobs to pursue a heart-filled life of travel. The unknown. I have told people since running far away from my abusive ex and into the unknown (I'm still there!) I prefer to travel in a foreign country where I don't even know the language, where I can decide to go to Belfast for a few days because there's a cease-fire, show up at the bus station in Dublin and wait around until it comes. Armed only with my pen, journals and books. And a knack for talking to the world. I get giddy thinking about all the travelling experiences I was blessed to live. Give me the unknowns of all you experience during travels and I'll take it!
A part of my heart connects with these people who seek also to travel for the sheer love of it. People would always ask me why I was going to Europe or Belize or Negril. Why not? Perhaps that will be my new motto in life - why not?
We all have to keep each other motivated, alive, a little more juicy in this game of life! There's another adventure just around the corner!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Releasing Into More Wonderful!
I had an incredible releasing experience last night. Actually, for the past several months I have been blessed to be in good energy. Astrologically, friend-wise, surrounded by positive facebook influences, it's-now-spring-after-a-long-dreary-Minnesota-winter. All of the above.
For different reasons, I have been sitting home for the last year. I don't like my home, yet I am incredibly appreciative to have a place to live. I know it's time to bring a new living experience into our lives (it's just my daughter and I together). I have experienced/felt/seen my health deteriorate over the winter. Perhaps I manifest that because I simply rebel or resist living in Minnesota with family and winters. I am no longer constantly reflecting how blessed I was to live in South Florida.
So now my story is I've chosen to stay home, to not look for a job after getting fired. Regardless of the money I have been blessed to have in the interim, I love how every spring/summer I'm ready to jump into life again! I am even more grateful for all that is good and beautiful in my life.
I love how even when I've lived through experiences that weren't about living life to the fullest, in time I reflect back and the lessons are glaringly clear to me. Living with a mother (separate living space but the same house) who does not love herself and therefore cannot love others for who they are, I have gained many insights more speedily by living with her. And yes, I am ever grateful when I propel myself to move out, to move into a life I again can love.
I was at a dear friend's new apartment last night. It was a housewarming/house blessing/fire ritual. I have been reflecting on what beliefs to release into the fire. Funny that I didn't "hear" we could write about what we wanted to release OR bring in. I am all about releasing everything that no longer works. I've been unhappy, of course blaming it on winter. I can only blame it on my inactivity and my need to sit for a time.
We had an outdoor fire and read aloud if we wanted to. I simply said I released all that no longer served me. I burned my paper with the words expressing a lot of what hasn't been working for perhaps all my life. I had found a blank notebook paper and picked it up. Intentionally, I collectively invited the new energies in, saying I welcomed the next part of my story, our stories. This is big. It is not big to release since I love releasing physically and in journaling. It is big to invite whatever comes next without needing to know exactly what it is. Oh, my heart certainly holds many intentions for my every day.
This is what I invite in, for myself and for all of us.
~ Success in whatever is inside our hearts, whatever creative dreams we are meant
to be living
~ Happiness with ourselves, our bodies, our lives, our moments, and whoever we share
our lives with
~ To be healthy, fit, exuberantly alive, loving the body we are in so we can be of
service, doing all that passionately lives inside of us!
~ Success beyond our wildest imagination! This means the instantaneous releasing of
all fears that have kept us back. I'm ready! We are all ready and worth it!
Have a fantastic life doing all that you live!
For different reasons, I have been sitting home for the last year. I don't like my home, yet I am incredibly appreciative to have a place to live. I know it's time to bring a new living experience into our lives (it's just my daughter and I together). I have experienced/felt/seen my health deteriorate over the winter. Perhaps I manifest that because I simply rebel or resist living in Minnesota with family and winters. I am no longer constantly reflecting how blessed I was to live in South Florida.
So now my story is I've chosen to stay home, to not look for a job after getting fired. Regardless of the money I have been blessed to have in the interim, I love how every spring/summer I'm ready to jump into life again! I am even more grateful for all that is good and beautiful in my life.
I love how even when I've lived through experiences that weren't about living life to the fullest, in time I reflect back and the lessons are glaringly clear to me. Living with a mother (separate living space but the same house) who does not love herself and therefore cannot love others for who they are, I have gained many insights more speedily by living with her. And yes, I am ever grateful when I propel myself to move out, to move into a life I again can love.
I was at a dear friend's new apartment last night. It was a housewarming/house blessing/fire ritual. I have been reflecting on what beliefs to release into the fire. Funny that I didn't "hear" we could write about what we wanted to release OR bring in. I am all about releasing everything that no longer works. I've been unhappy, of course blaming it on winter. I can only blame it on my inactivity and my need to sit for a time.
We had an outdoor fire and read aloud if we wanted to. I simply said I released all that no longer served me. I burned my paper with the words expressing a lot of what hasn't been working for perhaps all my life. I had found a blank notebook paper and picked it up. Intentionally, I collectively invited the new energies in, saying I welcomed the next part of my story, our stories. This is big. It is not big to release since I love releasing physically and in journaling. It is big to invite whatever comes next without needing to know exactly what it is. Oh, my heart certainly holds many intentions for my every day.
This is what I invite in, for myself and for all of us.
~ Success in whatever is inside our hearts, whatever creative dreams we are meant
to be living
~ Happiness with ourselves, our bodies, our lives, our moments, and whoever we share
our lives with
~ To be healthy, fit, exuberantly alive, loving the body we are in so we can be of
service, doing all that passionately lives inside of us!
~ Success beyond our wildest imagination! This means the instantaneous releasing of
all fears that have kept us back. I'm ready! We are all ready and worth it!
Have a fantastic life doing all that you live!
Monday, May 23, 2011
In Love With Miami
A friend of mine, a fellow succulent, asked my opinion of Miami. I'm taken by surprise. Not at all because I am asked my opinion. It has been part of my life since 2002. Each day I think about my treasured memories from experiences, places, and wonderful people from the city in the sun.
For me, one reason I loved Miami is because I have travelled to 20 countries so far in my life. (All before the vivacious age of 31!) I adore the swirling cultural mix of so many peoples. I adore it, and also it frustrated me at times, too. I suppose the things you love you also hate at times. Or you dislike them when you are first exposed to fresh habits and ways others living more feistily do things. They grow on you. No matter what is happening in my life, I love that I always surround myself with endearing people. People who would do anything for you. People who's mannerisms you treasure with your heart.
I still haven't learned Spanish. I remember our block where we had a small studio apartment seven blocks from the ocean. It was close to an expansive public park in Miami Beach. Some of my neighbors in the building next to me spoke no English. Yes, that in itself is endearing to me now that I am so far away from it: how can one live in an English-speaking country for 20, 30 years and not assimilate into the culture enough to learn the language fluently. There is no need to. Our "abuela" was cuban. My daughter's father was cuban and most of the other cubans we met could clearly see she was cuban. Most everyone adores her even looking at pictures of her, and even moreso when they meet her. She, like me, leaves an impression on the heart. Little Isabella would translate between the neighbors and myself. Isabela went to Lincoln-Marti and then Happy Kids schools, with an abundance of Spanish-speaking teachers.
Ah, the men! I could go on about how sexy these latin men are to me. I could! Even the Cubans after being treated horribly by my ex-husband. Yes, I'm still attracted to the sexy Cubans. However, my friend is not gay so no need to go into details. :) I must sidenotedly say before I moved to south Florida, the majority of the men I dated had been from foreign countries. They simply intrigue me. Still do.
I would say Miami is not for the faint at heart! I absolutely loved careening around in my car on the 836 and the Palmetto going 90 or 95. Yes, my old 1999 Blazer could still do that! That style of driving is certainly not for many. I'm a person in control of my faculties. Aware. And so I simply loved the wild driving down there. I always warned people going down to be careful. Or not to get upset in their taxi rides. The cities down there are so vastly spread out because of the enormous population. It simply takes forever to get anywhere. We lived near Ocean Drive on the beach. If I wanted to "save some money" at Walmart, I would have to haul ass for 20 minutes going 80 or 85. I didn't do it very much because service was increasingly more and more frustrating. All the factors in my life down there didn't much allow tolerance for those providing poor or low quality customer service. I am certain with the continuously dwindling economy, it hasn't been encouraged to get much better.
Like any city, there is much to see in Miami. Many festivals and special occasions remarkable to the city and surrounding cities. Organized by local cities, so many activities are free. On a Sunday night beach walk, Isabella and I happened upon a parade march of drums and percussions. It was a celebration of a country's independence day. It was fun to join in and shake it! Music, culture, art, vibrant colors and personalities ~ it's all there for the taking!
Like anywhere today, it is a challenge to meet fabulous people. I honestly can admit I have high expectations for myself and for those I choose to include in my life. I adored the friends I made from my work. They were from an array of Latin American and caribbean countries, sprinkled with a few Americans even a small dosage of Midwesterners like myself.
I have only touched on life in Miami. I'm grateful for this chance to write about it a bit, for I think about how great life was down there almost daily. If there's anything you'd like to know, please let me know in the notes.
For me, one reason I loved Miami is because I have travelled to 20 countries so far in my life. (All before the vivacious age of 31!) I adore the swirling cultural mix of so many peoples. I adore it, and also it frustrated me at times, too. I suppose the things you love you also hate at times. Or you dislike them when you are first exposed to fresh habits and ways others living more feistily do things. They grow on you. No matter what is happening in my life, I love that I always surround myself with endearing people. People who would do anything for you. People who's mannerisms you treasure with your heart.
I still haven't learned Spanish. I remember our block where we had a small studio apartment seven blocks from the ocean. It was close to an expansive public park in Miami Beach. Some of my neighbors in the building next to me spoke no English. Yes, that in itself is endearing to me now that I am so far away from it: how can one live in an English-speaking country for 20, 30 years and not assimilate into the culture enough to learn the language fluently. There is no need to. Our "abuela" was cuban. My daughter's father was cuban and most of the other cubans we met could clearly see she was cuban. Most everyone adores her even looking at pictures of her, and even moreso when they meet her. She, like me, leaves an impression on the heart. Little Isabella would translate between the neighbors and myself. Isabela went to Lincoln-Marti and then Happy Kids schools, with an abundance of Spanish-speaking teachers.
Ah, the men! I could go on about how sexy these latin men are to me. I could! Even the Cubans after being treated horribly by my ex-husband. Yes, I'm still attracted to the sexy Cubans. However, my friend is not gay so no need to go into details. :) I must sidenotedly say before I moved to south Florida, the majority of the men I dated had been from foreign countries. They simply intrigue me. Still do.
I would say Miami is not for the faint at heart! I absolutely loved careening around in my car on the 836 and the Palmetto going 90 or 95. Yes, my old 1999 Blazer could still do that! That style of driving is certainly not for many. I'm a person in control of my faculties. Aware. And so I simply loved the wild driving down there. I always warned people going down to be careful. Or not to get upset in their taxi rides. The cities down there are so vastly spread out because of the enormous population. It simply takes forever to get anywhere. We lived near Ocean Drive on the beach. If I wanted to "save some money" at Walmart, I would have to haul ass for 20 minutes going 80 or 85. I didn't do it very much because service was increasingly more and more frustrating. All the factors in my life down there didn't much allow tolerance for those providing poor or low quality customer service. I am certain with the continuously dwindling economy, it hasn't been encouraged to get much better.
Like any city, there is much to see in Miami. Many festivals and special occasions remarkable to the city and surrounding cities. Organized by local cities, so many activities are free. On a Sunday night beach walk, Isabella and I happened upon a parade march of drums and percussions. It was a celebration of a country's independence day. It was fun to join in and shake it! Music, culture, art, vibrant colors and personalities ~ it's all there for the taking!
Like anywhere today, it is a challenge to meet fabulous people. I honestly can admit I have high expectations for myself and for those I choose to include in my life. I adored the friends I made from my work. They were from an array of Latin American and caribbean countries, sprinkled with a few Americans even a small dosage of Midwesterners like myself.
I have only touched on life in Miami. I'm grateful for this chance to write about it a bit, for I think about how great life was down there almost daily. If there's anything you'd like to know, please let me know in the notes.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
I Am Grateful
I am grateful for big and small things. I trust life is meant to be what it is right now. At the same time, I am grateful for all the motivation I surround myself with these days. Thank you friends, fantastic authors, motivational everyones! I trust if I keep filling myself with positive thoughts life will keep getting better and better. I allow myself to learn the lessons I need to learn, am meant to learn. I now move more quickly through things that are not so fun, along with striding forward even when fear is lurking about.
I am grateful I am creative and seem to have an everflowing basket of ideas/projects to work on. I love all the experiences I have lived, even the hard ones. All that I've lived and dreamed, pulled into a more solid and seeable form, can help others. I am grateful when I take the time to work on being creative, whether its through writing, art, craft projects with my daughter, even rearranging my peaceful home.
I am grateful when I let myself do the creative work, the spiritual work, the quiet work. Over this winter, it's been easier for me to numb myself with food, get caught up in tv plots, housework, and just the plain "shoulds". Now I walk into me time. Yes, I'm still a mom. Yes, I have a home to keep up. Yes, I have a life to get into order after a drought. Yet I'm declaring as spring springs forth so do I, all parts of me!
Thanks for being part of my life by reading this blog! I am grateful for you!
~Marina
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Being Where I Am...With My Puggi
I have a little pug puppy. I like to say I "rescued" him because he came from a pet shop. He was there until he was almost five months old. How sad. Bella wanted a little chihuahua or small dog, and I just couldn't say no to this one. He was already nearly full grown. He's been such a good little guy.
I love the moments when he's sort of growing into himself, when he's a good dog who knows what to do. ...that means going potty where he's supposed to without accidents. I really am blessed. I look into his face. He's adorable. He's love. I know because I have a dog I have a lot of love to give, too. I shower my love onto my daughter, my puggi and my lovebird these days.
I think he kind of has a little old man face, too. He loves playing and he also loves napping with me. I loves me a dog who sleeps in the bed with you like a human...yes, Cesar Milan wouldn't be proud of me. Bella and I love our little Mr. Snorzalots!
I see how much I truly appreciate him and feel blessed we brought him home and have kept him so far. Sad to admit it like that. It makes me reflect on when Bella and I were by ourselves down in Miami Beach for a couple years (2007-2009). Loved it there! We tried to have a couple dogs there. I bought a purebread American Bulldog that we named Stellaluna (after the children's book about the fruit bat). We only kept her six months. It's a lot of work to have a puppy!! I could say I didn't have time or money to do the things she needed, but truly, I just wasn't ready to have a dog again. I was still healing from my wounds and unhappiness. We gave her away to someone with a big yard who worked from home. A kind neighbor set this up, along with loving our dog, too.
Of course I wanted another dog, so we took in a dog a friend from the Keys had. Bobo was 68 pounds, scrawny, and had ear problems when we took him up to live on the beach with us. I have so many memories of Bobo. His name was Zorro, but we quickly renamed him. He loved walking with us, was afraid of the water but surfed a little during Tropical Storm Fay in 2008, and just loved us. His medical problems from previous bad owners got to be too much for me. I gave him up to a shelter, I'm very sad to say. More bad advice from my parents I regretted from the bottom of my heart. It's sad when you look back and see all you've lived through. When you take time to reflect on what happened later on because of choices you made or perhaps had to make earlier. I still miss him, just as I miss the dog I had for 18 months when I was pregnant with Bella and with my abusive ex. Truly and honestly, every dog has to fill Little Guy's shoes. And none has.
I love my little pug. He's almost a year old. Ironically, his birthday is the day I met Bella's dad walking down Duval Street in Key West, May 25. He's a little lovepug we say. I am open to the gifts he gives us.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
What Are We So Afraid Of?
Once upon a time there was a fabulous young woman who, it seemed, wasn't afraid of anything. She jetted off to 20 or 21 countries, sometimes by herself. She jumped off cliffs into startlingly cold water. She fell in and out of love with the wrong men. During her second trip to Europe, she and her peer from college had a 'trains, planes and automobiles' kind of a journey to get to Neuschwanstein. He told her there was a rickety bridge spanning a gorge but that you could take intensely beautiful pictures from it of the castle. She took his hand and led him to the middle of the time-honored narrow bridge, all while his eyes were closed to deceive his fear of heights. Another time, she made a new woman friend over the internet. This friend was afraid of heights and yet she was painting the outside of her one story house. This girl went over and climbed right up the ladder like she was going for a run or hopping another plane and painted, getting paint in her hair and laughing with her new friend.
What happened to this fearless woman? Yes, I am still here, in the shell of my body. The big shell. It's not that who I am in my mind and what is physically present is two different things. I have transformed into a less than fabulous person in the last few years. All the while, I try to be okay with where I am. Truly, I never embrace it. Even living seven blocks away from the ocean, I was holding on for dear life with depression peeking it's head out of a packed away box and money troubles kayaking closer and closer towards me. Trying. I am very conscious about not using that word. To me it means it's never going to happen. So just keep trying.
Yes, some things happened. I did not run like hell fast enough from a couple bad relationships I had. The last one scarred me severely. But honestly, that is not who I am any more. I can say that lately I am allowing myself to be shaped by not wanting to live in Minnesota. My words say I embrace the life I am living right now. Yet the actions are not true to those words. I have crutches. Inaction and emotional eating are the favored choices.
Once again, I want to be fearless. I want to every moment be living the courageous life those close to me see. Daily I am surrounded by positive words and other brave souls who are living fully. Living fully in our messes, in the realness of what we truly are. Not perfect. I know I'm not who I want to be right now. I'm perhaps ready to start stepping across the bridge which will lead me back to who I truly am inside. That is, when I tear away all the ineffective barriers I've built up these last few years. Thank goodness for positive words, for my mental clarity, and keeping the belief alive that I am worth this fight, this long, long walk. Perhaps I've already started walking across the bridge. My intentions in my heart are clear. I want to love life again!
Thanks for reading, and thank you for following my blog! What are your fears and what are you doing to walk up to them, bop them swiftly on the nose and then keep going?
What happened to this fearless woman? Yes, I am still here, in the shell of my body. The big shell. It's not that who I am in my mind and what is physically present is two different things. I have transformed into a less than fabulous person in the last few years. All the while, I try to be okay with where I am. Truly, I never embrace it. Even living seven blocks away from the ocean, I was holding on for dear life with depression peeking it's head out of a packed away box and money troubles kayaking closer and closer towards me. Trying. I am very conscious about not using that word. To me it means it's never going to happen. So just keep trying.
Yes, some things happened. I did not run like hell fast enough from a couple bad relationships I had. The last one scarred me severely. But honestly, that is not who I am any more. I can say that lately I am allowing myself to be shaped by not wanting to live in Minnesota. My words say I embrace the life I am living right now. Yet the actions are not true to those words. I have crutches. Inaction and emotional eating are the favored choices.
Once again, I want to be fearless. I want to every moment be living the courageous life those close to me see. Daily I am surrounded by positive words and other brave souls who are living fully. Living fully in our messes, in the realness of what we truly are. Not perfect. I know I'm not who I want to be right now. I'm perhaps ready to start stepping across the bridge which will lead me back to who I truly am inside. That is, when I tear away all the ineffective barriers I've built up these last few years. Thank goodness for positive words, for my mental clarity, and keeping the belief alive that I am worth this fight, this long, long walk. Perhaps I've already started walking across the bridge. My intentions in my heart are clear. I want to love life again!
Thanks for reading, and thank you for following my blog! What are your fears and what are you doing to walk up to them, bop them swiftly on the nose and then keep going?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
My Internal Compass
It matters not
What others see
Or think of me
A friend said she's been "in the desert"
I agree for myself
I am in a valley
Mountains on both sides
Steep climbs upwards
I thank the universe
It is a different mountain
Than after I left an abuser.
Some days time is silent
I am still me,
Yet not the me
I want to be, will be
Again.
Time can stand still
However long it needs to
I will still be here
Sifting sand to find the gold again.
What others see
Or think of me
A friend said she's been "in the desert"
I agree for myself
I am in a valley
Mountains on both sides
Steep climbs upwards
I thank the universe
It is a different mountain
Than after I left an abuser.
Some days time is silent
I am still me,
Yet not the me
I want to be, will be
Again.
Time can stand still
However long it needs to
I will still be here
Sifting sand to find the gold again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)