I just got back from a walk with my mom. I had turned into a slug with a bad knee and swollen feet so it's great that I make myself go walking. Even though my parents bug the shit out of me, I know my mom likes to "do things" with me. So I asked her to go. It was only 45 minutes around our boring as hell subdivision. (Yes, can you tell I'm not for the suburbs...chuckle, chuckle)
Wow. Amazing that my mother is 65 and she still cares about what you say out loud when people are walking by instead of not giving a rip. What a crock of hooey! My request: "Can ah have a diff-er-ent muther pulease?" No? Okay, then I'll the next best thing: retrain myself not to care. And get on with my life so I can do what I'm meant to do. I know it's generational for her. It's just the way she is: she cares more about what the Jones' think. Sigh. Boring life.
People who know me absolutely know I'd rather have a different mom. I grapple with the spiritual fact that I chose her. I seem to have chosen the need to learn either to have skin so tough I don't let others affect me as I move through life attempting to do my work (this hasn't worked so far, at best it's off and on). Or I've been chosen to be an eternal teacher to her. And it's funny when she gets mad at me saying I'm the child and I'm not supposed to be teaching her how to treat me. Pfft!!!
It is most definitely my job to stand up for myself! Yes, it's been such a long road. Yes, fun and beautiful and breathtaking at times. For moments, anyways. I've been truly blessed in so many different ways. One thing I can do is take the good and keep the gratefulness of those good things in my heart in order to keep working on having a better life. And keep doing my art, my craft.
Last night I was journaling and realized I have some more tools for turning myself and my life around. I blog occasionally and I journal about the same. To journal I do three pages of writing what has been on my heart lately. I make myself write three pages. I get into good stuff. Stuff that turns me around and helps me begin on my healing path and the path to a much better life. Yes, you've read here life hasn't been the best lately since choosing to live in my parent's house (albeit in our own space). Thank goodness it's summer. Isn't everything better in the summer in Minnesota! :)
I recently had some major dental work done, and have more to go. Yes, it's painful. At the same time, I'm incredibly blessed to be a superfast healer! In being able to eat next to nothing, I immediately had to give up my sugar crutches. Hooray! And I journaled about how it's difficult when we are so caught up in what we are caught up in to stop. To restart. This has been a good circumstance for me to give up some things that blocked more than healthy eating. Clutching onto food, as in at night when I have down time from being a single mom, keeps me attached to the fear of never succeeding in all my fabulous ideas.
It's so good to figure out what exactly I can do to shift my energy so life keeps getting better and back to what I truly desire (living by the ocean and having enough money to take care of us to stay there!!). So hooray for realizations and hooray for what I am doing to keep moving forward. And pfft to naysayers! In some ways it makes me a tad sad I have to be my own cheerleader but that is my life right now. If you have a fabulous mom, you are blessed!
I'll keep you posted on how I'm moving forward and the fun projects I'm working on. The first one is getting my fabulous children's book out the door!
I love it when you shift your energy and, in your mind at least, you are so unstoppingly positive and see only success for yourself! I want more of that life!
girlfriend, keep on pffting....and don't let her get to you. You're on the right track and doing well. I'm proud of you.
ReplyDeletewell my lovely lady, I have a mother possibly far worse than yours, but i totally get that i wouldn't be who i am today without getting that thick skin you speak of. She's also made me a better mom because of the struggles and pain and desensitization i went through with her, trying to figure out what the hell a "family" even is. I was like a fish begging for water until i got my own family and finally had someone to love and to love me back.
ReplyDeleteIt's shaped your entire interaction with people and your entire outlook on life. And you have a terrific one so I have to just echo what Kabekona says and tell you i'm proud of you too!