Taming Some Fears

Wow! Incredible! My daughter and I went hiking to these gorgeous waterfalls on last Saturday night. It was a fun hike. I don't know why, I just don't do enough fun nature stuff with her...I let my sadness for living in this place keep me a little stuck sometimes and also my sadness in not liking who I am right now...until I move right along. So we went hiking. I've been there before. I'm so not too keen on my birth state of Wisconsin. Oh well. I like what I like.

We hiked. They had changed Willow River State Park around a bit, so I had to get my bearings to figure out how to get to the waterfalls again. We hiked down a steep hill. We saw some new things for Bella and a few critters. Never mind that we have a creek right in back of our house, it was great to get out in real nature, right into the woods. Wow again. I absolutely adore nature once I do all the work to get there. I have only to stop making excuses. Then I can get there faster.

I used to do a lot more physical activity. I loved exploring nature, training for events. I feel so good in the middle of a forest or when I remember hiking in Glacier Park and seeing baby bears 10 feet away.

When we approached the waterfalls, there were gobs of people climbing up and down the shallow parts and also across the water. My daughter is part fearless and part careful from me telling her not to run at the pool so she wouldn't fall and get a TBI (traumatic brain injury - yes, I worked for a brain trauma neurosurgeon for 2 years!). She begged for a few minutes and we made our way over for her to get in the water. I thought I would simply take pictures of her. Soon enough, I took my shoes and socks off too. The rocks weren't slippery with the shallow amounts of fast-moving, slightly cold water flowing over them. I climbed up and up again. I was amazed at myself. This allowed me to remember much of the beautiful things I'd done. Jumping off a cliff in Negril. A rock climbing and sea kayaking weekend on the North Shore at age 28. Ah, life.

I love how once you've done something you never lose it. I haven't felt around for the perfect reach and holds for my hands and feet to keep hoisting myself upward for years. It came easily that day.

And then I decided we would make our way across the waterfalls to the other side rather than climb down backwards. I held my daughter's hand and sidled across ever so slowly. I was more the cautious turtle. Fear moved through me. I could feel myself shaking. Even moreso, I felt an invigorating energy. I felt an energy and thoughts inside wondering why I don't just do what it is I want to do.

We made our way to the other side, got our shoes on again and climbed all the way up and then down. That was another feat. It was about a 20 food vertical drop. It wasn't directly straight down, but fairly close. When we finally headed back on the hiking trail, it was becoming dark. It was fun to field her questions about the background noise of frogs croaking. Funny how I rarely am afraid in a situation like that where I am walking back in the near dark but daily life occasionally halts me briefly.

I was so grateful we went that night, and that I didn't let my fears take over. It's time to keep at it and keep at this fun life I'm living and keep creating more of a beautiful life!

A Little Bit

I am a little bit fixed.
My teeth are whole again
No longer oozing
With the failure of the world, my world.
So much of me still is
Broken
Screaming out in pain
Needing repair.

My ego is sad,
Not my heart or my spirit ~
For they wait patiently
Until I step back into my journey
Boldly, or even dare to
Step back into it,
To begin fixing more

Why am I so broken?
Why do I see myself as broken?
Is it the place, the space I am?
Boldly I say, I state:
I am no longer a victim
For I choose To live again!
I want to say yes to
Creating
Writing
My health
More travel
A new career with a better future
ALL OF IT!!

I will get there step by step
I have already started my journey
back to my self.

A.Santana/M. Reede

Leaving My Expectations Behind

This afternoon I took my six year old daughter to see Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. She was estatic to see it. I was not. I love to see movies with her most of the time, but before I saw this one, I could have taken it or left it. It turned out to be pretty darn cute. No tears for this one, but a nice cast of characters, a nice plot and lots of cute things the characters did to win you over. Plus, it's immensely fun to see movies with my daughter! She changed seats to the other side of me in the middle so she could "cuddle" with me. Yes, I'm blessed.

It makes me think of simply allowing yourself to do more. You may not be too thrilled about something, but give it a go and much of the time, you like the results.

I did this last night too. Chuckle chuckle. My friend is getting her masters in public health. She has long been an overachiever - and a delightful one to know!! She took on making a documentary about women and masturbation. We were individually "interviewed" on camera. It was such easy work. YOu were in, you were out. It was fun! I've long loved attention anyways. One of my main points was for my daughter to know it's okay to enjoy herself in the things she chooses to do, unlike the sad, repressed way I grew up.

I brought a new woman friend I just met at a "Wild Women Gathering" only a couple weeks ago. When I met her, she made me laugh out loud. She was so frank and candid. I love women like that! So I brought her to the "m" party. At first it was kind of quiet. I was reminded how, even though I'm quite social and talkative, when I first get to a party, I wish everyone would be swarming to talk to me and make me tell all my interestg and true stories. My friend and I found seats in a second room. We would slink back into the main room to load up our plates with tasty treats a few times and visit for a few minutes with the other women. A few came over and talked to us. My friend had plans of going to see a band afterwards and she was starting to be hell bent that we needed to leave. My allegiences were more to my friend and helping her out. There were quite a few of us, and it took time to film us.

We had so much fun right before we left talking to these other women. There is nothing better than sharing laughter with others. Then my friend and I fled. We were too late to see the band for more than an hour, so it wasn't worth going in. I wasn't excited about seeing a band perform 70s music (just not too excited about reliving that era where my mom made me wear ugly brown clothes day in and day out), but I was up for going out. I had dropped my daughter off at a sleepover. Instead, we ended up going to a fun couple of small bars on a main street of all town.

The funny thing was, my friend kept apologizing we weren't having more fun. I kind of stopped having expectations some time back. Okay, about some things. These days I'm just excited to get out with another fun soul. I hate to be honest, but I live in the middle of nowhere, am not super prosperous right now, and take care of my daughter almost all the time. Yes, you can bet I make the best of when I do get out with others.

What fun times! Nice, fun times without any expectations set up. I am happy to be changing into enjoying moments more instead of lamenting about what I no longer am living or what I plain just don't have that I'd love to have in my life. For now, I graciously accept the small joys!

Positives Outweigh Touches of Sadness - Yay!

I am not truly a sad person. I don't do depression well. And it seems like every job I end up at, they call me "Sunshine". Only after they do I tell them it follows me everywhere. In my normal life out in the world (this could lead to another post about who I am at home and who I am out in the world...) I do my best to be optimistic. To be positive, to keep moving forward to live the life I want.

I also move forward when I am who I am at home. Yet I'm much more free at home, in my space. (Even with my daughter!) I relax. I just am. I'm human.

At home in the midst of relaxing and healing and not pushing myself yet pushing myself to move my life forward (being "productive is cyclical), I have sad moments. Not so many lately. I honor who I am inside and what is working it's way outward. Yet I am truly happy to have all this creative encouragement around me! Other humans who are doing their art and sharing it with the world. I love that we all do our art. I love that I am writing more frequently. Yes, it does lift us out of ourselves and into who we might or could truly be.

I still have moments where I cry. It comes less and less. I notice when I allow myself to be sad and sink into it, I feel so alone in this world. I feel shocked about the things that have happened to me. And these days, it passes even more quickly. I am choosing to be more conscious about no longer even needing to stay stuck in the unmoving spot. Hooray for me and my healing. Hemal Radia pointed out that even when something horrific has happened it's best to place your energy clearly on something else in order to distract yourself from focusing on the bad things.

I feel blessed to have all my friends and positive influences surrounding me. I feel blessed to feel the not so great feelings fluttering away that have been dwelling within. I feel even more blessed to be creatively moving forward. Okay, they might be tiny steps right now. I know I have it in me to keep creating. If I live out all the dreams I have inside for my creative adventures I live them. It's good to keep working on them, in any case. It's good to simply create.

Happy Moves

This girl is happy! I've been on the fence about something. For at least one reason I'm now commiting to something soooo close to my heart, to happiness, to more joy. To making a good life again! Now I'm ready for life to keep flowing great again. I'll keep you posted about the good news as I actually move into it.

I love it when you make a decision and things fall right into place. When that happens, it's the universe whispering you are my beautiful child and you will live what you desire, here you go, let me help you. :)

I feel like I have many things I want to write about ~ some of my posts have been like that, meandering this way and that. And if you've ever met me, I speak like I email. I've just got lots of stories inside me!

I just feel like life is ready to open up again. I love that this happens every summer for me. It has to when I'm living in Minnesota. Chuckle. The winter season is mostly miserable for me after living in Key West and Miami Beach. Of course summer here has got to be fabulous. I've loved how I work on the internal in the fallow months. I've loved all the work I've done in Lynn Woodland's wonderful groups. I'm pretty sure I'll partake in one more before I sail off again.

When your life isn't going absolutely fabulous, one recommendation is to be in gratitude. All the time. I have started a new practice for falling asleep for the last several months. My mind goes and goes (especially now not leaving for a day job but staying home with my daughter instead), so it can take a while to fall asleep. Lately I start with forgivenesses. I have gotten miles out of forgiving myself and those in my life for everything. Things happening that day and many more things that already happened. It has freed me up. I admit knowing I had been stuck and physically not what I want to be teaches me to work on loving myself again. Loving yourself is such a great thing to work on day in and day out! After forgivenesses, I list what I am grateful for. I love falling asleep doing one of these self-talk exercises. Much healthier than worrying and having fitful dreams! :)

Do you have any thoughts on how we can use gratitude to transform our lives? The one way I have seen it transform my life is when I bring good things in, to truly be grateful all the time. It feels good to stay in this energy. And I tell you, I may be at the tail end of being in a Minnesota funk, but I've been in terribly worse funks. I'm grateful to be where I'm at in this moment! Thank you for reading my thoughts ~ I appreciate you!

Stop Caring What Others Think About You!

I just got back from a walk with my mom. I had turned into a slug with a bad knee and swollen feet so it's great that I make myself go walking. Even though my parents bug the shit out of me, I know my mom likes to "do things" with me. So I asked her to go. It was only 45 minutes around our boring as hell subdivision. (Yes, can you tell I'm not for the suburbs...chuckle, chuckle)

Wow. Amazing that my mother is 65 and she still cares about what you say out loud when people are walking by instead of not giving a rip. What a crock of hooey! My request: "Can ah have a diff-er-ent muther pulease?" No? Okay, then I'll the next best thing: retrain myself not to care. And get on with my life so I can do what I'm meant to do. I know it's generational for her. It's just the way she is: she cares more about what the Jones' think. Sigh. Boring life.

People who know me absolutely know I'd rather have a different mom. I grapple with the spiritual fact that I chose her. I seem to have chosen the need to learn either to have skin so tough I don't let others affect me as I move through life attempting to do my work (this hasn't worked so far, at best it's off and on). Or I've been chosen to be an eternal teacher to her. And it's funny when she gets mad at me saying I'm the child and I'm not supposed to be teaching her how to treat me. Pfft!!!

It is most definitely my job to stand up for myself! Yes, it's been such a long road. Yes, fun and beautiful and breathtaking at times. For moments, anyways. I've been truly blessed in so many different ways. One thing I can do is take the good and keep the gratefulness of those good things in my heart in order to keep working on having a better life. And keep doing my art, my craft.

Last night I was journaling and realized I have some more tools for turning myself and my life around. I blog occasionally and I journal about the same. To journal I do three pages of writing what has been on my heart lately. I make myself write three pages. I get into good stuff. Stuff that turns me around and helps me begin on my healing path and the path to a much better life. Yes, you've read here life hasn't been the best lately since choosing to live in my parent's house (albeit in our own space). Thank goodness it's summer. Isn't everything better in the summer in Minnesota! :)

I recently had some major dental work done, and have more to go. Yes, it's painful. At the same time, I'm incredibly blessed to be a superfast healer! In being able to eat next to nothing, I immediately had to give up my sugar crutches. Hooray! And I journaled about how it's difficult when we are so caught up in what we are caught up in to stop. To restart. This has been a good circumstance for me to give up some things that blocked more than healthy eating. Clutching onto food, as in at night when I have down time from being a single mom, keeps me attached to the fear of never succeeding in all my fabulous ideas.

It's so good to figure out what exactly I can do to shift my energy so life keeps getting better and back to what I truly desire (living by the ocean and having enough money to take care of us to stay there!!). So hooray for realizations and hooray for what I am doing to keep moving forward. And pfft to naysayers! In some ways it makes me a tad sad I have to be my own cheerleader but that is my life right now. If you have a fabulous mom, you are blessed!

I'll keep you posted on how I'm moving forward and the fun projects I'm working on. The first one is getting my fabulous children's book out the door!

I love it when you shift your energy and, in your mind at least, you are so unstoppingly positive and see only success for yourself! I want more of that life!

Bad Boys Finish Last Too...Eventually

An old time family friend posted as his fb status "nice guys finish last". I didn't know if he was referring to himself or his situation of detangling from a marriage with two small girls. Some thoughts came to mind since reading this from him - but first I must say obviously we can never ever truly know what another has lived. Immediately I wondered if he wasn't a bad boy. So perhaps people can change from what they used to be, if perhaps they grew up kind of wild.

This can a person change thing has got to be a home-grown Minnesota concept. Ha! Myself, I met my bad boy walking down Duval street in Key West on May 25, 2002. He had long, dark, curly hair and we talked for hours that first night. We're long divorced, although he still intrigues me.

I believe we have the capacity to let any situation or person change us into a better person. Reflecting just on a surface level, I think it could happen. Yet if one was wild and addicted in the first place, you're not going to be living a deep, spiritual, fulfilling life I would gather.

It's heartwrenching when you figure out you do have a bad boy and that's what he is. As for myself, I'm anxious to know why indeed we settle for these surfacey sexier-than-hell boys when we end up running like hell later on? Please share with me your thoughts on this! At least in this journey of the last eight years or so, I've allowed myself to turn inward and reflect good things. Yes, you could say it's all good or it simply is. Thank goodness I'm where I am now, with this man who'll stay in my life because of our daughter not being such a bad boy any more. Today I'm grateful for all the forgiveness work I've done and even moreso for all the learning and self-reflecting to know how I've gotten to this step.

I know I didn't really touch on how they do get theirs, but even when all seems unfair and perhaps your whole world has topped momentarily, everything does get evened out. You only need to wait and the tears will dry.