My Internal Compass

It matters not
What others see
Or think of me
A friend said she's been "in the desert"
I agree for myself
I am in a valley
Mountains on both sides
Steep climbs upwards
I thank the universe
It is a different mountain
Than after I left an abuser.
Some days time is silent
I am still me,
Yet not the me
I want to be, will be
Again.
Time can stand still
However long it needs to
I will still be here
Sifting sand to find the gold again.

The Reason I'm Here Right Now

If you know me, you know it is hard for me to be here in Minnesota at this time in my life. I truly want to be near the ocean and in a warm climate, where my health is always more responsive. :)

I only noticed my resistance to my "home" state (where I lived the longest anyways) after I had moved to south Florida. That first time, in an abusive relationship with an infant, I came back because I have help here. Family. They have wanted me to get back on my feet, as far back as 2003. And still they want good things.

BUT. I resist being here. Things are easier here. They are easier in the sense I can simply shut down if I choose to. I can just figure out how to bring enough money in to take care of my daughter. Choosing this means I am not taking care of myself. This is the part that tears my heart apart, what makes me long for the ocean. For the opposite of where I am right now, for what I cannot have at the moment.

The ocean has been very healing for me. Even when I lived in a shelter inland in Miami. Destructively, I would drive past my ex husband's house when I was sad or distraught. His choice to continue using drugs drove me away from him every time I would muster up enough courage to see if he'd changed. It put my daughter and I in a shelter for the second time. One day I drove to the ocean instead. We played in the sand. After that day, I went to the ocean instead of torturing myself by driving by his place. I still have many treasures we found on our walks to the ocean. They are near me now.

Yet the reason I am here is because when I was on my own, I told myself it was too hard to do everything. Yes, I was alone. I made a few friends. I had a job. We got our own apartment seven blocks from the ocean. We took advantage of living a life near the ocean and near abundance in outdoor activities. We found a loving unity church with wondrous music, speakers and kind souls. The sunshine and the ocean breathed life into my soul again. It did become too much. Abuse follows you. The administrators at my job needed to be hung by their toenails. People don't have to be mean. They chose to follow unsaid rules, thinking it is what they are supposed to do instead of being decent. I have loved the south, yet those who don't tell me it's called the dirty south. Yep.

My heart can still be a bit naive at times, and I am ever the optimist. Honestly, I think about what I desire and forge ahead to get it. And I learn from everything. I lived down by the ocean for two years. I put myself in the situation where I got behind paying for basics, and just didn't have enough money. My mother came to see my daughter's pre-kindergarten graduation, staying overnight in our studio apartment. It still had vibrant colors but it was even teenier with three people in it. She begged me to come live with them in their house again. At that time, they didn't have enough money. They were blessed to reduce their house payment. My dad lost everything in stocks, for himself and his clients. It was heartbreaking. I can only now realize that my sucky relationship with my mom had begun to heal being 2,000 miles apart from each other.

I chose the easier path. Each time I would share that I was leaving, my heart would break open with fresh tears. I was acting on this being "the right thing to do" for my parents and for my daughter to supposedly live in a better place (than where her mama was happy?). Ah, well. We do things. We act at the time, then later on realize what was really going on.

It is no lie it has been a struggle for me up here. In many ways. My daughter brings daily joy and laughter to our lives. I am parenting differently than my rigid, fearful mom. The light that shines through is my women friends and our get togethers. They are fun, fabulous and non-judgmental. I am blessed and ever-grateful. For the great things and for everything else, which is a work in progress. In my mind, I continually think about or even make lists of what I need to do to improve my life and be happy again. Some days I even work towards it. At a snail's pace. That's okay. I've now realized why I'm here. More healing. To slow down enough to heal. Whatever it is I need to heal that can only be healed by living here, being here another cold winter with my controlling, unhappy parents. It is what is meant to be for now. And when I am ready for the next step, I will be there. I hope immediately.

I embrace the healing. I would ask my self, my heart, my soul for courage to leap into it. To release all that no longer serves me so I may be happier sooner. I am appreciative and grateful for all the lessons.

Still Loved

How long has it been?
How many years?
I read about other beloved pets
Tears start falling
I am so sad, so sad.
I know why he was in my life
I did not do for him
What he did for me.
He saved my life.
More tears, many more!
I was newly pregnant
When he came into my life, my heart
I loved him more than
That abusive drug addict.
He was mama's little guy
Even after I had to leave
I went back to get him
But in between and sad
And not yet recovering from the abuse
No place to take him
They put him in a better place,
Oh how I still miss him
Six years later
Tributes and pictures and
Still my heart is broken.
I know he is still here
My guide when I am quiet
Oh black white little big pit bull
I loved you deeply
Thank you for your immense love
Still loved,still loving him.

Starting To Walk The Path

I feel like I'm getting my normally positive and optimistic stride back. I am used to being positive and loving life. Okay. I was used to this way of life before I met my ex-husband and had my spirit displaced for a brief few years. I've long had it back from that experience, but I get out of sorts living here in the winters in Minnesota. And I get used to not feeling the best. I'm wading uphill in a stream living with my mom.

It's funny. Whenever people I meet or know talk about how awesome, loving or understanding their mom is, I audibly tell them they are blessed. And they are. I am not. Or at least I must not have finished learning my lessons from mine YET as we still struggle. I'm not so sure she struggles with attempting to control me and how I choose to raise my daughter. I've been meeting with therapists since after college. I am diligently raising my daughter different than some ways I was raised. I work at having fun with her, and loving her unconditionally for all of who she is. I might hate something she chooses, but I realizes from my own background how important it is for her to be confident in being able to choose, in the choices she makes and me supporting her decisions. I love it when we do what we need to do and then we laugh and have fun! Makes life as a single mom much better!

I've been unemployed since May. We have enough right now, and I am content to not yet add the stress of working and managing the rest of life around that to the mix. I can feel I am getting ready to make some moves. Yes, it's winter. It would be easier to just keep staying in and going out to meet friends and do a few things here and there. I get cold and unhappy in these months here in the tundra. I tell myself I am making the best of it. I do feel like I want to invite more movement in now. That's how I can tell I'm feeling better, less depressed (hooray!) and ready to work again.

I've also been thinking for about six years now of going back to school for nursing. I am going to start with at least one class next semester. It's a good start. I do great with lists. So I've made my list of what I need to do to get into nursing school. It's good to at least start somewhere. And I am trusting I will have enough money or be able to get the assistance I need to start on the path and keep going. Since I've held this in my heart for some time, I know the energy won't die in one week. I need to begin with yes, to start somewhere. I worked for two fabulous neurosurgeons at the University of Miami for two years. That got me interested in more detailed nursing care. I love engaging my mind, and those around me or that I have met are encouraging about this new direction.

I am simply happy to have some happy energy toward something. One of my dreams is to live somewhere fun and warm again, to live on my own with my daughter and be able to happily manage. It feels good to start walking that path.

Gotta Get My Life Back!

Oh the horrors, the dissatisfaction
Of living with a demented mom
Or is it merely bipolar or non-money stress?
Living with shit and negativity
Makes me
hate
doubt
lose faith inmyself
We can't have that
Me or my daughter
Yes, the chips are down
Not for the count
Time to spring back up
To get my life moving again
To truly allow being happier,
On bringing the chance of joy in
Each day is a gift
We are our own treasure
The mind can hold so much good
I'm in
Are you?

Fresh Snow

It is beautiful to look at the freshly falling snow. I like looking at it. Then I step outside...brrr. This girl who'd rather be in the tropics is making the best of another winter.

My daughter has already made a snowman, and now she's at her cousins playing outside again. She loves the winter and the snow. It's funny, sometimes she will lament how much she misses the ocean too.

We bought our new pug a little red santa suit, complete with a hood. Soooo cute! Adorable. Today he liked it. He still can't figure out how to go potty outside in the snow too well.

We like our new little pug. I think we've had him for about a month. He's little, perhaps only 12 pounds. Truly, he is only in our house because my daughter has wanted a little dog for quite some time now. When we were in Miami Beach, someone gave us a chihuahua but alas, we only kept it for a weekend. I liked that. Bella has been wanting a small dog. I'm a lover of pit bulls, american bulldogs and viszlas. They are all clever and beautiful-souled. If I had room, I'd love a great dane. I once dog-sat for one and had dreams Joey and I knew each other in another lifetime.

Little poochie is a cute addition. We have enough room for him to run around after himself or his toys to wear himself out. He enjoys short walks already. It's good for me to get out of the house, out of my unwelcome depression with him. He's a happy little guy.

I called him Little Guy initially. I find it was wrong to do that. I hold on to memories of the heart, and Little Guy was a pit bull I lost to domestic violence and my ex-husband. So this little one is now named Poquito (for little). We love it! He's even got a PINK nametag already. Ha!

Ocean, Please Rescue Me

It's not enough
To be surrounded
By my treasures from the ocean,
From when I felt alive
And healed by the ocean's waves every day
I am in mourning
It goes deep within me
I treasure all I've lived,
Blessedly,
Yet!

I want more time by my
Beloved ocean
More years,
More time to be healed
I am still broken
I feel this every day here
This place I live is so desolate to my soul.
The tundra.
And when I let them,
The tears fall hard.
Perhaps some part of me
Is still ravaged inside
From the not-so-long ago pain
Oh, my soul, my heart and spirit ---
Withering here in the land of
You must have a plan or
You must have your life together
I do not. I'm already 40
Most days I am okay with this,
Leaning on my past treasured times.
I long relentlessly for life at the ocean
Why am I being punished in this
Barren place I'm forced to call home?
Oh ocean, please rescue me!

November 7, 2010