Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 9: Someone I Didn't Want To Let Go Of

I generally let go pretty easily and quickly of women friends who no longer serve a purpose in my life. The trouble I used to have is picking the wrong men to like. I picked unavailable men. Obviously I was doing this because I didn't think I was worth anything or worth someone great. I'm still working on changing that belief!

The one person I can say I didn't want to let go of was a married guy I saw for a year and a half. Wasting time with unavailable men is my only regret! We'll call this one K. I didn't know he was married when I met him and he was a great liar. It's not that it was even a relationship or even mildly fulfilling. In reflecting on my past, I just wanted to be loved. I know I drank a bit in the relationship, perhaps to numb myself into not facing reality. There was also craziness in it that I did not want to see. I feel so sad and tender for this unloved person I used to be, in this and other relationships.

On a happy note, when I finally had the courage to kick him out of my life and not wallow with weakness to let him back in, I did things for myself. I did huge exercising (walked a marathon and biked an MS150) the first six months. It was hard to step out of it, but I now know and have been staying away from unavailable men. Yes, I've got a pretty quiet life. That's okay. It's better time spent to work on myself and discern what people I spend time and energy on. Ah, just realizing this on "paper" makes me sigh with happy contentment. It's good to move on.

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